As Singaporeans, we know the drill by the time we’re in our teens: Get married young, enjoy your first few years as a couple, work hard at your jobs and have children when you’re more settled.
That was Lijia’s plan. She had a stable job when she got married in her late 20s and looked forward to the first years of marriage with just her husband. She had always loved and wanted kids – three kids, to be precise – when the time was right.
So the couple started trying for their first child a few years into their marriage. No kids came.
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?
“We both got checked up and the doctors could find nothing wrong with either of us,” says Lijia.
Nobody has been able to offer them a clear reason as to why they have been unable to conceive. So they turned to artificial methods of conception – first the less-invasive IUI, then IVF, hormone injections.
None worked. There was more heartbreak, more disappointment with each test that came back negative.
Heartbroken after years of infertility, we were slowly losing hope
“It was tough not to have thoughts that maybe we had done something wrong. Or that maybe God had plans for us not to have kids after all,” says Lijia.
SO WHAT IF I’M A PASTOR’S WIFE?
The initial years, as the reality sank in, were the worst, says Lijia, whose husband Darren is a pastor.
“I felt very shortchanged and overlooked. I looked at other women who were getting pregnant with no trouble at all and felt like God had forgotten about me.”
She was angry and bitter. At the lowest point of her depression, Lijia even considered taking her own life.
Added pressure came as she watched those close to her get pregnant. Unable to stem the jealousy that flooded into her hurting heart, Lijia distanced herself from them.
“It was really bad. Sometimes I would even stop speaking to that person,” she admits. “I shouldn’t have done that – it wasn’t their fault at all.”
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As she wrestled with her faith, she chanced upon Resurrection Year, in which author Sheridan Voysey documents his and his wife’s journey through 10 years of infertility. He wrote about how they found healing in the disappointment and broken dreams.
“His words were all the words I struggled so hard to express. And I slowly started opening up to people,” Lijia says.
Her husband was a pillar of strength at home, managing his own grief as he gently reminded her to cling to God’s promises.
“As my husband constantly encouraged me, it wasn’t about them being able to understand my pain, but about them being able to journey alongside with me.”
WEEPING MAY STAY FOR THE NIGHT
In their 10th year of marriage, after more rounds of IUI and IVF, Lijia conceived for the first time. “I wasn’t on IVF treatment anymore, so it didn’t cross my mind at first that I could be pregnant.”
Their friends and family went wild with excitement. It was the miracle everyone had been waiting for – until they went for their first ultrasound.
“The doctor couldn’t find the foetus. It was just an empty sac. We had lost the baby within eight weeks,” she says.
“I had to undergo surgery to remove the sac. While waiting alone outside the operating theatre, I decided to send a long text out to thank everyone for their prayers,” she says.
A tear rolls down her cheek, and she is silent for a minute.
After sending out that text, Lijia turned her focus to God. She felt a sense of peace that she hadn’t felt in a long time.
BUT JOY COMES IN THE MORNING
Something changed after that season of great sadness. Hearing couples sharing their joy of getting pregnant doesn’t affect Lijia quite as badly anymore.
“I’m genuinely happy for them. Yes, I still want to be a mother,” she admits. “But motherhood cannot dictate my self-worth or my identity. Even if I never have a child of my own, that doesn’t mean God loves me any less,” she says.
For those going through a similar struggle, Lijia wants you to know this: Our lives are so much more than motherhood.
Jesus came to give us abundant life, and this is a gift that is offered to anyone who wants to receive it.
This is an edited excerpt from an article that was first published on Thir.st.
In the two years after this interview, Lijia had two more miscarriages. On April 25, 2019, she finally gave birth to a healthy boy. After more than 10 years of marriage, she can finally celebrate Mother’s Day.
Her husband later shared his side of his journey to fatherhood in 2020. Read it here.
