Heartbroken after years of infertility, we were slowly losing hope
By
Jessie Tan
, 8 May 2020
Life is full of unexpected twists and turns.
When I first met my husband in 2002, I didn’t think we’d ever get together. But we would start dating in 2008 and tie the knot two years later.
As we were relatively young in age and our relationship, we decided to take things slow. We could always have a kid later, we reasoned.
We never thought we’d have difficulties conceiving a baby. But before we knew it, we were six years into our marriage and still childless. We couldn’t understand why. In 2016, after much consideration, we decided to consult a gynaecologist.
While my husband and I knew that there was a chance of bad news, nothing prepared us for the devastation that came with being told it was almost impossible for us to conceive because of a medical condition.
We were heartbroken.
We sought a second opinion, but it only reaffirmed the initial diagnosis. It was then that I realised why so many couples with difficulties conceiving hesitate to see the doctor.
If we didn’t know for sure, we could have pretended nothing was wrong. But the possibility of infertility was now a reality for us.
It’s like watching your worst nightmare coming to pass.
The days following the diagnosis were difficult. My husband and I both grieved individually, and yet had to learn how to protect and honour each other above our own disappointments.
We tried finding solutions, but they didn’t work. So we decided to trust that if God wanted to give us a child, He would give us one. We also shared our situation with our church leaders and friends who prayed for us non-stop. Some even received prophecies of me having a kid.
While we were very thankful for the community support, we slowly lost hope. It was too difficult to keep our expectations up while being disappointed with our reality, over and over again.
Eventually, my husband and I decided that while we couldn’t have our own child to love, we could still experience the joy of loving others through meeting the needs of others in church.
Life went on for us.
In June the following year, I was at a prayer meeting where the pastor told us to write down our hopes and dreams for our kids. God imprinted the name “Samuel” in my heart, so I wrote it down.
But I didn’t think much of it and lost that piece of paper. So I was surprised when I discovered later that I was two months pregnant!
My husband and I were shocked, relieved and happy at the same time. After being caught between hope and reality for so long, we felt like we could finally breathe again.
I was very thankful that God kept watch over us. Because not knowing I was carrying a baby, I went for a full back massage and the masseur stepped on my back.
Preparing for the arrival of our child was exciting. As a first-time parent, I dove straight into hours of research and shopping for baby clothing and room decor.
My husband also decided to switch to a job with shorter working hours. It would allow him to spend more time with the baby when he arrives. He had to take a pay cut, but we didn’t mind. We wanted to give our child the very best.
Then life threw us another curveball.
“Your baby has water in the brain and a hole in the heart,” my doctor told us. “He will most likely be born with Down Syndrome.”
So convinced was the doctor, he told me that I did not need to do the Down Syndrome test. He advised me to abort the baby because of the social and financial costs of raising a kid with special needs.
I was already 20 weeks pregnant at that time.
By then, I was so familiar with disappointments that I felt nothing but tiredness. Why was my pregnancy journey so difficult? Why did this have to happen to me?
The doctor informed me I only had about two more weeks left to decide if I wanted to terminate the pregnancy.
And that’s when it really hit me. I had been filled with so much hope for the past five months. As it turned out, I was carrying false hope.
Telling me that I now had to abort my baby was even a bigger blow than finding out that I couldn’t have kids.
I didn’t know how we did it, but almost instinctively, my husband and I made the choice to keep our baby. However, I struggled to come to terms with it even after making our decision.
“Why didn’t You give me a perfect baby?” I cried out to God. “It would be better if I had not conceived!”
I was plagued with fear, despair and helplessness. How was I to care for a special needs child? What kind of life would my baby live?
There were days where I took out the ultrasound scans and simply stared at them. There were nights when I cried myself to sleep. I was even afraid to go for future checkups because I was so emotionally scarred.
But every time I felt my baby kicking in my tummy, I felt like I had made the right decision to keep him. Whether my baby lives or dies, he is still my child. I just couldn’t just give up on him like that.
I also began to understand that while my baby wasn’t perfect in the world’s eyes, he was perfect in God’s eyes … in my eyes. He was perfect simply because we loved him.
After deciding to keep our baby, my husband and I switched from a private hospital to a public hospital. We were worried that we wouldn’t be able to afford the medical fees in a private hospital if there were birth complications – especially with a baby like ours.
At the new hospital, the gynaecologist decided to redo all the scans. To our unbelief, he couldn’t find anything wrong with my baby! Scan after scan, we remained unconvinced. Then the head of the fetal centre was roped in to look at my case. He, too, found nothing wrong!
The rest of my pregnancy journey was a joyous one. There were times when doubts and worries crept in. But we knew we could trust in God.
After many twists and turns, I gave birth to a healthy boy on April 11, 2018. We named our miracle baby Samuel – the name that God dropped in my heart at the beginning.
Samuel means “God hears”, and indeed God has heard me.
I know not everyone gets an ending like mine. One friend who identified with our pain and journeyed with us through the entire process is still facing fertility problems.
I don’t have all the answers, but from my experience, here’s what kept me going through the darkest nights.
1. START LOVING TODAY
The joy of having a child is being able to love. But even if you can’t have a child, or are waiting for God to come through, there are other avenues to channel this love. I have friends who decided to sponsor child children, or consider fostering or adoption.
But it doesn’t have to be children. Giving back to the community is a possibility too. If we look around, we will see so many people out there to love. We don’t have to wait for a baby before we experience the joy of giving and loving.
2. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH COMMUNITY
We were grateful for a loving community who not only supported us through the trying times but also shared with us their own experiences.
Infertility, abortion and miscarriage are more common than we think, but not many dare to speak up about these issues. Their openness and vulnerability helped us to be honest with our emotions and what we were going through.
People in my church also frequently share testimonies with one another. It doesn’t have to be on a similar issue but hearing those miracles built our foundation of faith. Just like how these sharings have encouraged me, I pray that my story will also build up faith in you wherever you are.
