Would you remarry your spouse who cheated on you? Is it even possible to forgive each other?
In the beginning, it was the physical attraction that drew David Chong to Jay. He said (only half in jest): “When I first saw her, I dumped all my other girlfriends.”
Jay quipped: “I just wanted to have fun.”
Jay was 21 and David 23 when they got married.
David was jovial and charming. Jay was beautiful and ambitious. In between their “equally crazy” careers, it was one party after another.
But the fun was short-lived.
Their son, Marc, came along. He was a premature baby with many health problems that required frequent hospital stays. They were unprepared to handle the stress of caring for Marc. Their marriage suffered.
An eye for an eye
Then came the day when Jay found out that David had had an affair. In their home.
Jay retaliated. She walked out of the house, promising herself: “I will never forgive him for this. I will do it back to him and let him feel what it is like to be betrayed.
“And I did exactly that.”
The damage was irreparable.
She had been betrayed. But the consequences of her own actions also weighed on her.
Jay moved out and stayed with her mother while David stayed in their apartment.
It brought back painful memories for David because of his own experience with his parents’ divorce. He did not want their son to go through the pain.
But he was.
Marc was shuttling between parents, staying with Jay on the weekdays and with David over the weekends. The separation and eventual divorce took its toll. Marc couldn’t understand what was happening – and he was acting up, expressing the stress externally.
Jay was struggling to cope – not just with Marc, but with everything that was happening. She had been betrayed. But the consequences of her own actions also weighed on her.
As she was walking home one day, the thought hit her: “What am I doing? I had a marriage, a family … now everything is gone.”
Help me!
Then she remembered how she had turned to God a few years ago when Marc was seriously ill and nearly died. She remembered pleading with God. Marc recovered. But she also remembered how “when things were okay, I went back to my old life”.
In her desperation, she turned back to God. “I said, ‘God, take me back. If You can take me back, then you have me.’”
An acquaintance invited her to church. And she went.
In the midst of Marc’s behavioural issues, Jay’s prayers were answered. Their home felt peaceful.
“I will do it back to him and let him feel what it is like to be betrayed.”
Jay also heard God speak. “It was very strange – I didn’t understand that God can speak. But I heard it so deep in me … He said, ‘Serve David’.”
So, that Sunday when David picked Marc up from church to spend the rest of the day at David’s home, Jay asked David if she could follow them home.
Jay clarified: “I would never do that … I had so much pride. But it came so naturally.”
The house was filthy. After David took Marc into a room to spend time together, Jay started to pack and clean the house. “It was amazing – I cannot describe it. You must know this is not natural for me, I used to be a diva.”
To her, it was no longer a question of right or wrong. It was listening to the voice to “serve David”.
The diva irons
David said: “Jay doesn’t do housework. She doesn’t mop the floor, she doesn’t vacuum, she doesn’t clean clothes, let alone iron – she hates ironing! But she did all that.”
David was a backslidden Christian.
As Jay continued to serve him by faithfully cleaning his house week after week, he saw the change in the life of the woman he almost destroyed.
“I saw this brand-new, whole woman … I think she was more beautiful the second time I married her.”
David’s turning point came when he heard that Marc had received Christ at Sunday school.
He saw the goodness of God in the life of Marc too. “One day, I came back, knelt and just cried and repented.”
He also discovered God’s love. “I had never experienced a father’s love until that day. And now Marc has a Father who will look after him,” he said. “I was so grateful.”
Six months later, David and Jay decided to remarry.
A new beginning
Their first wedding was a simple affair at the Registry of Marriages. This time around, they decided they had to have a church wedding. “We were the oldest in the pre-marital class,” laughed David.
David and Jay Chong with their son, Marc, and his family.
At their second wedding in 1995, Jay, who was already 38, broke down when the pastor declared them man and wife. She said: “God, not everybody can get back a destroyed marriage, but You gave us a second chance.”
David added: “I saw this brand-new, whole woman … I think she was more beautiful the second time I married her.”
“God, not everybody can get back a destroyed marriage, but You gave us a second chance.”
The vow they took at the altar has kept both David and Jay exceptionally watchful of their conduct. They are also mindful that it is also a promise to God.
“If you don’t have God as an anchor, it is very difficult to have any relationship.” They say the ability to forgive each other also comes from God.
Today, David and Jay, are in their 60s. Their son, Marc, is married and his children bring David and Jay immense joy.
Life is not always a honeymoon
Jay says: “We still argue. But I have learnt to say, ‘Okay lah, let it go.’
“I used to put myself first … until I realised I am not that great. We all make mistakes.
“But if we can be kind and forgiving … that is what it takes to keep a marriage.
“This time round, I dare not think of divorce, I really dare not.
This is an excerpt of an article that was first published on Salt&Light.
