I was down with dengue fever in 2016. It was a painful time as I was hospitalised for 7 days.
I was suffering, so I didn’t care and just took it out on everybody else. I can’t remember exactly what I said. I probably said mean things and behaved like a monster.
It hurt the people around me badly, but I wasn’t aware of it.
One day after I recovered, I received an email from my mum. A very, very long email. I read the first 20 words and felt dizzy.
My parents were both very hurt by my actions and the son I’ve been for the past 26 years. I didn’t even know what I was feeling at that point in time. Sadness? Anger? Disappointment?
I remembered thinking: If this is the kind of son I am to my parents, why am I still living? What’s the point of living when you’re making everybody around you so miserable?
So I actually thought of just ending it all.
I went back to my grandmother’s place and didn’t know what to do.
I’ll be really honest: I don’t read the Bible very often as I don’t have the discipline to do it. But that particular night, I took the Bible, I prayed and I read.
As I read, I felt a bit more lifted. So I texted my mum and said: “Can we talk about this?” Then I prayed before I went home. I said: “God, help me.”
When I met my parents, I was so calm. Normally, I would raise my voice when I was agitated. But that day I didn’t raise my voice.
I just heard them out and listened to what they wanted to say to me. I knew that I didn’t do well as a son.
Looking back, I realised that at that point in time I was actually condemning myself. That was exactly what I was feeling. I was ashamed. That was why I thought that maybe I should just end it all.
The important thing I want to share is that there are times in life when you’re going to feel like that – because of what you’ve done, because of how you’ve messed up in life.
But God always forgives. If I didn’t have God at that point in time, I’d probably wouldn’t even be here today.
So learn to forgive yourself and learn to forgive others. Because God is a God of second chances.
This article was adapted from an interview with Charlie Goh. It was first published on Thir.st.
