Growing up in a broken family, Hannah Kasture held deeply-rooted hurts in her heart. The trauma of her childhood led her into a string of abusive and toxic relationships.
For years, Hannah yearned desperately for love and stability. Yet, boyfriend after boyfriend would leave her. Each time a relationship ended, she felt more lost than before.
Things got even harder when she became pregnant with her first child. This was followed by other pregnancies.
However, amid the messiness of her life, Hannah – now a single mother of four – shares how she found true hope and purpose in the unlikeliest of places. This is her story.
As a child in kindergarten, I remember standing between my parents, crying, as they fought.
I witnessed my father physically hurting my mother, and hid behind a chair in fear as police officers handcuffed him after she made a police report.
When I was six, they divorced. Life as I knew it fell apart.
The only family life Hannah knew fell apart after her parents divorced when she was six.
My mother moved out with my youngest brother while my father won custody of me and my two other brothers.
Upset about the divorce, my father vented his anger on us. He would come home drunk at night, wake all of us up and talk aggressively about our mother.
I did not realise it then, but watching my dad drowning in depression impacted me. As I grew up, I chose to be with men who were lonely and hurt too, as I felt that I needed to be the Band Aid for their wounds.
Pregnant and homeless
All the boyfriends I had were physically and emotionally abusive. Yet, I would still give them everything I had. I was desperate for acceptance.
I became pregnant with my first child at 19, and left him with an ex-boyfriend’s family when he was born.
I was living with one boyfriend after another, and did not want them to feel burdened by a child.
Hannah dropped out of school at 16 and became pregnant with her first child at 19.
Four years later, I fell pregnant again. The father of my unborn child told me to abort the baby. He became violent when I said I wanted to inform his mum about the pregnancy.
I later found out he was seeing another girl.
With no place to stay, I hopped from temporary shelter to friends’ homes, sometimes having no choice but to spend the night at playgrounds.
I felt like an orphan.
Finding shelter
One of the shelters I sought refuge in was under Singapore Anglican Community Services. I gave birth to my second child – a girl – while there. It was the best home I ever stayed in as I had good counsellors and case workers.
Every Friday, a chaplain and his wife would visit me. I looked forward to chatting with them and receiving their prayers.
I began talking to God. Whenever I did, I felt peace inside my heart. And I realised that He hears me.
Another family staying in the home gave me a Bible. As I read through it, I started to believe that there is a God who can save and protect me. (Psalm 91:1)
I began talking to Him. Whenever I did, I felt peace inside my heart. I realised that He hears me.
For example, when I applied for a HDB flat, I told God that I was hoping to get a particular unit in a certain block in Punggol. When my turn in the selection process came, the only place left was the exact unit I had wanted!
Hannah was baptised in 2015 by Pastor Samuel Gift and his wife, Pastor Grace, from Smyrna Assembly.
Another time, my boyfriend and I got into a huge argument. He did not come home and ignored me for months.
Heartbroken, I sat on my bed one afternoon and told God: “It’s so painful. I can’t bear it. I don’t want to feel anymore of this pain.”
“It’s so painful. I can’t bear it. I don’t want to feel anymore of this pain.”
Miraculously, when I woke up from my nap, I felt like a huge burden on my heart had been lifted. It helped me to move on.
Then, an anonymous Facebook friend I had never met messaged me to check on me. When I shared my struggles, he connected me with a woman on Facebook, who invited me to visit her church.
We became good friends quickly. I was struck by how genuine she was. She never judged me, even when I shared my darkest secrets.
It was like God had heard how lonely I was, and sent her to walk life’s journey with me.
Vicious cycles
I started to attend church regularly. When I learnt that God sent Jesus to die on the cross for my sins, I realised that Jesus’ love is far greater than what any man can give. He is the only One who can give me true love and security.
Jesus is the only One who can give me true love and security.
Even so, it was not easy to break away from my former way of living. I fell pregnant with my third child, and again with my fourth child, while in inappropriate relationships.
While pregnant with my fourth child, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. I confronted him, but he kept up his lies.
I was so disappointed with myself for leaving a loving God for this man who let me down. Kneeling in desperation, I cried out to God: “I’m so sorry that I betrayed You.”
I phoned my church friend. Instead of telling me that I deserved what happened, she grieved with me and prayed for me.
Revisiting the past
Not long after, I received a vision of myself back in my childhood home. It was there that my whole life had unravelled.
I decided to visit the home with one of my friends. We were graciously invited in by the owner, who had bought the flat from my father and remembered me.
A Bible verse caught my attention: “I will make you more prosperous than ever.” (Ezekiel 36:11)
As I walked around, I was flooded by memories of my parents’ divorce and the trauma I had endured.
A calendar with part of a Bible verse printed on it caught my attention: “I will make you more prosperous than ever.” (Ezekiel 36:11)
I was taken aback. Back in the very place where all my struggles had begun, God gave me a promise that He would break all the unhealthy cycles and prosper me.
I journaled my thoughts, and felt God helping me to empathise with my parents and forgive them. Perhaps being a mother also helped me to better understand why they did some of the things they did.
God gave me an opportunity to talk to them and share how He had brought me on this healing journey. They felt guilt, grief and blame.
With God’s help, we are now on good terms.
God also led me to reflect on my own parenting mistakes and seek forgiveness from my children.
Inner healing
I felt like my broken spirit was being restored. There was comfort in the truth that God has set me free from my past, as well as in my identity as someone who is loved completely by God.
Encouraged, I chose to place God, my children and myself over my relationship with my boyfriend. On July 7, 2020, I left him.
By relying on God daily, Hannah juggles her job as a student care teacher with being a single mum to her four children. Photo courtesy of HCSA Dayspring.
I wanted to show my daughter, who had witnessed him beat me, that she should never tolerate any form of physical abuse from men.
God is breaking this cycle of abuse. It will no longer continue past my generation.
God is breaking this cycle of abuse. It will no longer continue past my generation.
Even though it was painful, I do not regret what I have been through in life. I know who I am in Christ today. God has completely changed how I see myself, people and life.
I want to help other young women who have gone through a similar path, so I signed up for a befriending course at Social Services Institute and am now befriending a single mother in my block.
“Ma, I’m very proud of you”
Being a single mother of four is not easy, but God has given me much wisdom. Instead of shouting as I often did in the past, I run to God first when I am angry and ask Him for self-control.
I’m not a perfect parent. Sometimes I still lose it. But recently, my oldest son told me: “Ma, I’m very proud of you. You’ve changed a lot.”
I teared and told him: “Thank God for it. It’s because of God that Mummy has changed.”
A new community: Hannah has found friends in God-sent people like her pastor, Pastor Grace.
I have failed many times in life. Even though God saved me again and again, I still doubted if He loved me.
But I am reassured by Romans 8:38-39:
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I cannot live my life without God.
“It is because of God that Mummy has changed,” Hannah told her eldest son when he mentioned that her temper had improved. Photo courtesy of HCSA Dayspring.
While praying a few years ago, I had a vision of two doves embracing and holding roses in their mouths, with God’s wings covering them. I took it to mean that God will provide me a man whom He approves of to marry.
I believe that God will fulfil His promise in His time.
For now, I choose to trust in Him and walk in his ways. The day I surrendered my life to God, He broke my chains. I used to feel like I was an orphan, but now I know I am a child of God.
This story was first published on Salt&Light and is republished with permission.
