This former bodybuilding competitor, death metal bass player spent 17 years lost in rebellion, violence and drugs

I was born into a devout Christian family where my siblings and I were sheltered from worldly influences. 

We were prohibited from watching films containing violence, drug use or sexual content. Even listening to the radio was forbidden. 

Young, angry and lost … Gabriel (standing, right), with a close circle of friends when he was 16.

At the time, my understanding of Christianity was limited to a routine: attending church every Sunday, singing a few hymns that carried no personal significance, listening to a sermon delivered by an elderly pastor I could not relate to.

As I grew older, I observed inconsistencies between what people in church professed and how they lived. This led to a gradual disillusionment with organised religion. 

Simultaneously, at the age of 15, I tasted freedom for the first time, and tore into it with reckless abandon. 

Disdain for authority

I acquired a BMX bike and spent hours riding at skateparks, sometimes until dawn. 

Soon, I stopped attending both school and church. 

At the skateparks, I was introduced to the heavy metal scene and began frequenting gigs and live events. The subculture – filled with promiscuity, violence and gang activity – fascinated me. It was an exhilarating contrast to the sheltered life I had known.

Gabriel (left) played the bass guitar in technical death metal band.

I found myself drawn to the allure of experimentation, particularly with drugs. I tried everything I could get my hands on – snorting, injecting, smoking and swallowing substances indiscriminately. 

Sedatives gave me a counterfeit sense of calm and peace that I did not realise I was searching for subconsciously.

Among the myriad of substances I tried, only sedatives captured my affection. It gave me a counterfeit sense of calm and peace that I did not realise I was searching for subconsciously – and in hindsight, can only be found in the presence of God.

Around this time, national service beckoned, but the anti-authoritarian sentiments I had absorbed from years immersed in punk and metal culture made me despise the idea of compliance. 

My disdain for authority culminated in me going AWOL several times, resulting in a few stints at Kranji’s detention barracks.

Bark and bite

During my confinement, I discovered bodybuilding through a fellow detainee, and it became an instant passion. 

Bodybuilding fulfilled a latent desire within me – a need to build a physical shield after years of being bullied in school. (I was a little bit of a nerd, a young kid wearing glasses, who loved to lose himself in books about knights and warriors slaying terrifying monsters and saving the world.)

Gabriel (left) and his two best friends who stood by him through his worst.

The sport offered not only strength but the illusion of invulnerability. 

Later, a friend introduced me to mixed martial arts (MMA), and I became equally obsessed. 

While bodybuilding gave me an imposing exterior – my “bark” – MMA gave me the capability to defend myself – my “bite”. 

“In hindsight, pursuits like bodybuilding were attempts to validate my sense of self-worth, born from a void that only a relationship with God could fill.”

I plunged headlong into bodybuilding and Brazilian jiujitsu competitions, training rigorously multiple times a day. 

My life revolved around perfecting my physique and performance. 

“Training for bodybuilding competitions only served to heighten my pre-existing insecurities like the fear of being weak, average, mediocre and soft, of not being masculine enough. Of not being good enough and never amounting to anything.”  

Over time, I became self-absorbed and irritable, with my short temper fuelled by a toxic mix of new and old substances and unchecked aggression. 

Yet, there was a silver lining: I discovered that my experience in gyms had equipped me with the knowledge to help others overcome injuries and become stronger. This led me to pursue a career in personal training.

Corroded moral compass

I spent the next 12 years in the fitness industry, climbing the professional ladder and eventually earning a respectable salary. However, success brought unforeseen consequences. 

With increased income, my drug use escalated. Those familiar with addiction to sleeping pills know how profoundly it corrodes one’s moral compass. 

Under the influence, I found myself lying, cheating and stealing – behaviour that alienated most people from my life.

Under the influence, I found myself lying, cheating and stealing – behaviour that alienated most people from my life, leaving only a small circle of loyal friends.

One evening, I returned home intoxicated, and an argument between my brother and I escalated. We got into a physical altercation. My brother sustained a fractured cheekbone, and I was asked to leave the family home. 

For the next two years, I lived alone, and without the constraints of rules or accountability, my addiction spiralled further out of control.

Gabriel turned to tattoos to exhibit his disdain for society’s opinions.

I frequented the streets of Geylang, Singapore’s red light district, where I encountered individuals of every shade of criminality – murderers, thieves, con artists and radicals. 

Drugs use skyrocketed, and I soon found myself spending around $400 every other day. 

Life consisted of waking up, going to work, getting high through any means necessary, passing out and repeating it all over again the next day. 

At one point, I stole food from a convenience store because I hadn’t eaten in days, having spent all my money on drugs and cigarettes. 

Hitting the off button?

I had sunk so low that it was actually painful for me to remain sober. Gone was the satisfaction of having a simple meal, the joy of holding a loved one’s hand, and the peace of a good night’s sleep. 

Looking back, the biggest thing that was missing was laughter. 

Gone was the satisfaction of having a simple meal and the peace of a good night’s sleep. 

It was as if all the colours had leeched away from my world. Everything was a dull grey.

I realised one day, in between pockets of lucidity, that I had not laughed in years.

I would be lying if I said I had not considered ending myself while looking over balconies and parapets a couple of times during this period. 

The lack of hope was absolutely devastating; if life held nothing more but pain and struggle, I could not see the point in going on. 

I had already given my all to try to get rid of this habit, and since nothing seemed to work, maybe “hitting the off button” wouldn’t be such a bad idea. 

Locked away in the trunk

It was at this low point in my life that I realised that my addiction was more than just a physical and physiological problem. 

I overdosed many times, blacking out and throwing up, and after coming to, would immediately feel this insatiable compulsion to consume more drugs.

It felt as if I had absolutely zero control over my physical and mental faculties, and that something else had taken over the wheel, while I was locked away in the trunk. 

I had zero control over my physical and mental faculties, and something else had taken over the wheel.

When I finally hit rock bottom, I remember calling out to God for help. I told Him that I had reached the end of myself, and He needed to come through for me or I was absolutely done for. 

I was swallowing 90ml bottles of cough syrup, popping sleeping pills in absolute self-disgust, all the while sending prayers of desperation up to heaven in between.

Actually they were not prayers, but sounded more like the unintelligible sobbings of a child. 

“Please take over”

It seemed like God was listening, and He was waiting for me to stop depending on my own strength, and to let Him take over. 

Through the recommendations of mutual friends, I contacted The New Charis Mission and was admitted into their one-year residential rehabilitation programme. 

I feared that the whole thing was a vain attempt at brainwashing.

It involved surrendering my phone for a year, attending a mandatory two-to-three-hour Bible reading and reflection session per day, counselling sessions, classes to help deal with anger management issues, perspectives about life and sessions that teach you about your identity and purpose in God. 

It seemed extremely excessive when I first heard about this, and I feared that the whole thing was a vain attempt at brainwashing.

Having a meal with brothers from The New Charis Mission.

But I decided to run with it as I did not have the strength to do it on my own. 

I had tried countless times during these 17 years to try to quit, but it was just not happening. 

“Einstein’s definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly but expecting a different result.”

I entered the programme a thoroughly broken man, subjecting myself to whatever was in store for me. 

I placed everything in God’s hands as I did not have the capacity to hold on to the steering wheel of my life anymore. 

I told Him that since my way simply wasn’t working, I was willing to try His way. 

I told God that since my way simply wasn’t working, I was willing to try His way. 

Due to the sudden slowing down of my life and quieting of my heart, I was gradually able to hear God’s voice. It felt like a cool breeze upon my face on a hot stifling afternoon. Like someone splashed a whole tube of multi-coloured paint on the canvas of my life. 

He began to reveal Himself to me, His love to me. He started to show how He really viewed me, and who I truly was. He spoke through books, through people, even through nature. 

He provided mentors – spiritual father figures – to guide me patiently, to show me my rough edges, to disciple me and show me how to walk in His way. 

We started having random conversations with throughout the day like best friends.

“My spiritual father, founder of The New Charis Mission Pastor Don Wong, asked if I’d be willing to laser off my facial tattoos. It would be fully sponsored. I obeyed instantly. The pain of removing my tattoos was most certainly worse than getting them.” The process consisted of 10 sessions over a year.

I found myself randomly tearing up many times throughout the day as my spirit gradually increased its sensitivity to God’s presence. 

I used to have a very hard heart; I had a few close friends who passed away from drug overdoses, and I would remain dry-eyed at their funerals even though I was grieving for them. 

But this was different. I genuinely could not control these tears.

Thriving, not surviving

During this one year, I felt God impress upon my heart to leave my old life behind, and to walk into a new destiny that He has planned for me.

So I told my boss, who was holding my position for me at the gym, to let it go. 

I ended my relationship with the woman I thought I was going to settle down with. 

After experiencing God’s presence, I could not see myself living a mediocre life where I simply earn money, pay bills, sleep, and repeat. 

Gabriel sharing his story of change with 2,700 youths at a youth conference by RiverLife Church in the Philippines.

I came to Him merely asking for a life without drugs … a normal life that everyone else was living. I just wanted to survive. 

But He wanted so much more for me. He wanted me to thrive. 

Sheltering me

Looking back, I’ve placed myself in many questionable situations that should have put me in harm and trouble’s way.

“I’ve gotten into a couple of fights on the street, where people have been slashed and stabbed by samurai swords in front of me.”

I’ve been T-boned twice – once by a lorry and once by a taxi.

I’ve had a car run over my leg – and come away without a scratch.

I’ve cornered on a motorcycle in Phuket and lost control, and would’ve gone off a cliff if I had gone just a little bit faster.  

After 17 years of addiction, I’ve lost track of the number of times I have overdosed. 

I’ve met guys on the street who have abused the same stuff for lesser periods and quantities who have developed speech impediments or have had their brain functions impaired. 

“I’ve lost countless friends, some to murder, many to overdoses or suicides.”

And yet God’s hand protected me even when I was living as His enemy. And He still continues to provide for me. To shelter and care for me. 

He truly has returned so much to me.

New skills, beginnings

I stayed on at The New Charis Mission a couple more years after the programme and served in the Corporate Department, handling their social media. 

I picked up a few skills I never expected to have – like website design, video shooting and editing, street photography and animation.  

Serving on the worship team in The New Charis Mission where he played twice a week.

I helped with the setting up of their library and the renovation and maintenance of their gym. 

God reconciled my relationship with my family whom I had no contact with for four years, even bringing my younger brother on board to work together with me as well. 

I was given the opportunity to mentor new admissions, to gently guide and nurture them, and I found that I was adequately equipped to do so because of what I have been through. 

Out of the pit

In the last few months, I have been on two mission trips, and have been sharing my story of change in different settings that God has opened the doors to. I am currently waiting on Him for my next step, but I know that my calling is to go the darkest places on earth to help free my brothers and sisters who are still lost in the pit that God has lifted me out of.

“Kids’ fascination with my ink has given me opportunities to share with them the dangers of drugs and violence, and how God rescued me from them.” At Living Waters Village in Kalimantan, home to some 900 abandoned children from the Dayak tribe.

Meanwhile, I just want to encourage anyone reading this, who has just made it out of, or is currently going through a season of difficulty: No matter what you’re going through, press on and power through with God’s help. 

Even after I absolutely gave my life over to God, there have been a few hiccups along the way, but I believe He also desires to teach me resilience and endurance. 

 And if you find yourself walking through the valley of the shadow of death, remember that if there is a shadow, there must be a source of light. There are so many promises in the Bible that remind us that He will be with us every step of the way.

If you would like to know more about Jesus, click here to find a church near you.

Click here to join our Telegram family for more stories like Gabriel’s.

RELATED STORIES:

She gave birth while in prison for drugs. Today, she helps others overcome their addiction

Frontman of iconic rock band Ronin finally finds what he has been searching for

“I was left with nothing”: How a drug abuser left the lows and highs of a rollercoaster life