“Growing up, I thought I was illegitimate.
“But I knew I had a father because his name is on my birth cert,” said corporate trainer, Prisca Loke, now 58.
“I wasn’t bothered by it. Maybe it’s because I’m quite accepting of things.
“Mo lo tao zao mo lo tao lor.” (In Cantonese, “So what if I don’t have a father?”)
Prisca’s biological father was 20 years her mother’s senior.
When Prisca was just two months old, her parents’ relationship fell apart. Her mum took baby Prisca to live with her family.
“I would fight with my older cousins. We would beat each other up.”
“I was quite an aggressive little girl. I would fight with my older cousins. We would beat each other up. I was very good at fighting,” said Prisca.
When Prisca was three, her mother moved out to work in Kuala Lumpur.
“She was a guest relations officer at a nightclub in KL – what you would call a bargirl.”
When Prisca was three (pictured), she was living with her mother’s side of her family.
Prisca was sent to live with a series of nannies in her mother’s hometown of Ipoh.
“I was tortured by one nanny who pinched me,” said Prisca.
Then when Prisca was five, her mother took her to live with another nanny who changed her life. She lived there for the next 10 years.
Prisca was a tough little girl who had a foul mouth.
“I learnt all sorts of foul language from my cousins. My foul language was top class!” recalled Prisca with a laugh.
“My nanny used to say, ‘This girl is garang sikit (feisty)’.”
“My mum would take me to KL with her. That’s when I found out she was a kept woman.”
Sometimes, Prisca’s mum would take her to KL with her during the holidays.
“That’s when I found out she was a kept woman.
“My nanny lived in a large house with many rooms. She rented out these rooms to women like my mum and would babysit their children.
“My childhood friend was the daughter of mamasan (woman who runs a brothel). We promised each other that we would not follow in our mothers’ footsteps.”
Prisca managed to keep her promise, but her friend “fell into that lifestyle and ended up sharing a husband with another woman”.
When Prisca turned 16, she went to live with her mother in Kuala Lumpur as her nanny had downgraded to a smaller home.
Her mum, was still “a kept woman, moving from man to man”. Prisca would follow her to live in different houses.
“The man’s estranged wife was coming back and was going to chase us out of the house.”
One man in particular treated Prisca very well, and they were close.
“But one night, my mother suddenly told me that the man’s estranged wife was coming back and was going to chase us out of the house.”
Her mum and her had to run away.
Life became more unstable, and they would suffer another humiliation: Her mother was a gambler and they often did not have enough money.
“At times, we had to share meals. During Chinese New Year, we didn’t have money to buy anything.”
Her mother also drank a lot.
“Once she was so drunk, she came home and squatted in the room and nearly peed on my face,” said Prisca.
“Her mother felt Prisca would be safer in the nightclub than in the room they were renting.”
Each day after school, Prisca would go to the nightclub where her mother worked.
Her mother felt Prisca would be safer there than in a room they were renting; the other tenants in the house included drug addicts and people from the seedier side of life.
“At the nightclub, I could see the people going about their work – drinking, flirting. I would have to wait till my mum finished work at 1am, then drag myself home with her.
“I harboured a lot of inner hatred towards my mum for making me go through all this shame and humiliation.”
Amid the chaos of moving and nightclubs, Prisca credits the time she spent living with her nanny’s family as the key that kept her grounded.
“My nanny didn’t look down on me. She was like an angel sent to guard and preserve me.
“I also had a lot of pride and didn’t want people to look down on me.”
“My nanny often encouraged me to do well at school so that I wouldn’t need to follow in my mum’s footsteps.
“My life has a better destiny, she often told me.
“I also had a lot of pride and didn’t want people to look down on me. Therefore, I worked hard to have a better standing in society.”
Prisca is also grateful for her nanny’s three sons and daughter.
“My nanny didn’t look down on me. She was like an angel sent to guard and preserve me.”
“They considered me as part of their own family. I call my nanny Godmum, and till today, I am still very close to my godfamily.”
Prisca’s godsister was also her guiding light.
“When my godsister went to Singapore to work, she offered to send me there to study and work part-time to better my future,” said Prisca, who did not take up the offer.
Her nanny’s family took young Prisca to Sunday School.
There, Prisca decided to give her life to Jesus “because honestly, it looked like the right thing to do since Nanny’s family is Christian”.
She was also fascinated that the grandma of her godsiblings had a habit of praying regularly.
“I felt that my life was preserved by God, who brought something good out of the bad,” shared Prisca.
Moving to Kuala Lumpur to live with her mother, Prisca’s Ipoh friends introduced her to a church there. She took part in church activities, sang in the choir and was a youth leader.
“It was then that I really understood what it is to believe in Jesus.
“I had lived by simple faith and trusted the Bible. But it was not easy for me to regard God as a father figure because I didn’t know what it was like to have a father … until I came across the verse ‘I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.’ (John 14:18)
“Unlike my earthly father who did not bother to come looking for me, I now knew that I had had a greater Father who created and owns the universe. I liked to call myself Princess Prisca.”
“Money, materialism and recognition were a constant temptation because we were so poor and jeered at.”
Clinging onto His ways also helped her to stay on the right path.
“I felt that if I didn’t hang on to God, I may go the wrong way,” she said.
“Money, materialism and recognition were a constant temptation because my mum and I were so poor and jeered at.
“My life was kind of hopeless, yet it was hopeful because I had God.”
But in her early 20s, Prisca walked away from God due to “disappointments with church”.
“To fill the loneliness, I went to nightclubs with colleagues after work almost every day. I felt lost and that life was meaningless.”
The emptiness and shame from her growing up years intensified during the seven years she was away from God. She almost sunk into depression.
After graduation, Prisca saved up money she earned to pay for courses that would help her advance her career.
Then while working as a manager overseeing a condominium, some colleagues invited her to join their Christian fellowship.
She agreed to go, and soon “started to feel that warmth and the loving presence of God and the community again.”
“I told God that I never wanted to be away from Him again. It was a terrible feeling, the emptiness.”
Prisca was moved by their genuine care and concern. Their prayers comforted her through her difficulties, especially during her 30s when she was married and expecting her second child.
“You see how good God is to prepare all these people to lead me back to the faith I had during my childhood?” she said.
“I told God that I never wanted to be away from Him again. It was a terrible feeling, the emptiness.”
Prisca’s return to church three years later marked a new phase in her life.
She focused on building her relationship with Jesus instead of putting expectations on the church and humans who are fallible.
She got counselling to help free her from her growing up years of guilt, shame, humiliation and inner pride.
Through those sessions, Prisca learned how to forgive her mother, as well as the father she never knew.
It started with seeing her mum in a new, more compassionate light.
“I stood in her shoes to look at her life. It was not a life that she chose. After she left my father, she gave up the chance to remarry because the man did not want me. I could see that she sacrificed this for me.”
“I harboured a lot of inner hatred for her for making me go through the shame and humiliation.”
Coming to terms with “a tug of war of blame and the need to be filial”, Prisca was able to support her mother when the latter was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer.
“In her last days, we talked a lot, there was a lot of patching back.”
Prisca also encouraged her mother, “You need to forgive Dad, too. Then, you will get release yourself.”
Prisca shared her faith in Jesus with her mum, who accepted the faith.
“My mum felt a lot of peace every time my cell group members or I prayed for her. And she also attended a Chinese church service.
“The day my mother passed on, her countenance truly reflected that peace.” Her mother was 59.
Prisca also realised that money had a strong hold over her because of her years of lack.
That was why she worked excessively to keep improving herself, taking course after course, in the hope of getting better jobs and better pay.
Prisca (middle in black) on the last day of her corporate career. She quit her job to spend time with her son, and to build a relationship with him.
“To hide my low self-esteem, I became very proud, defensive. My colleagues thought I was a porcupine.
“But the Lord cleansed it all and settled it for me.”
Today, Prisca is a corporate trainer – a career she had always wanted but was too afraid to venture into until she let go of her corporate job to build a relationship with her son.
Initially, Prisca thought that securing projects would be hard. However, she thanks God for giving her a steady flow of work, even during the pandemic.
She has seen miracles happen throughout her new journey.
Once, she lost her voice the day before a training session.
“When I worry when jobs get cancelled, God says, ‘Why are you worrying? Do you believe that in the next five minutes, I will give you two jobs?’
“And the phone actually rings and two jobs come. I was overwhelmed and speechless. I said, ‘Wow, You are sure real, God.’
“I was reminded that if we put our trust in Him, He will provide for all our needs (Proverbs 3:5-6, Philippians 4:19).
“Now, I’m very relaxed even when things get cancelled because I’m confident that He knows my situation.”
“A lot of people don’t want to relive their nightmare but I can because I am healed.”
As a trainer, she often gets to tell her story of faith.
“People are often shocked and touched when I tell them my life story.
“I tell them I trust in the One above because He will never fail me. Who I am now is because He preserved me and gave me hope.
The skinny little girl who once fought to show her worth now rests in the truth that she is “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14) by her greatest father figure, her divine Creator.
This story is based on an article that first appeared in Salt&Light.
Click here to join our Telegram family for more stories like Prisca’s.
When a birthday cake in Geylang turned this prostitute’s life around
