TRIGGER WARNING: This story contains material about an abortion that some may find distressing.
By the time Jean Toh found out she was pregnant, she was already three months along.
She was far from home in South America and had just escaped from an abusive relationship with the father of her baby.
“I definitely didn’t think there would be such strong rejection. I was in deep pain.”
Jean didn’t suspect she was pregnant earlier as she had always been “quite careful”. Her period was also often irregular.
People around her were accepting of the news and tried to persuade her to have her baby in the country. But Jean felt compelled to return to Singapore.
She hoped her family would welcome her and her baby. But instead, the opposite happened.
When her friends in South America found out she was pregnant, they suggested she remain in the country to have her baby.
“They told me that no one in my family would love the child or support me,” Jean, now in her 30s, recalled.
“I definitely didn’t expect such strong rejection. I was in deep pain. I felt isolated and scared, as if there was no way out.”
Back when she was 15 years old, Jean moved out of home to live with a boyfriend.
By 19, she had graduated from school and was supporting herself with freelance work in the performing arts. She was soon working in theatre and television, acting and dancing.
After a decade, things took a difficult turn. Leaving yet another abusive relationship, Jean was “running on empty and plummeting into depression”.
Jean spent the initial weeks of her homecoming mulling over the decision to terminate her pregnancy.
“It was a very dark stage of my life,” she said. “I was struggling to survive.”
Jean decided to take a sabbatical to travel the world in the hope of finding herself. But instead, she found “false comfort in drugs, addiction, partying, men and self-philosophy”.
While in North Africa, she met the man who would eventually get her pregnant.
By the time Jean returned to Singapore, she was already into her second trimester. She felt pressured to abort her baby.
Abortion is legal in Singapore if the pregnancy has not exceeded 24 weeks. With the deadline fast looming, Jean spent the initial weeks of her homecoming mulling over the decision to terminate her pregnancy.
Jean’s decision was clouded by her fear of a lack of finances. She also doubted her own readiness to be a mother.
Reflecting on it now, she realises: “These are issues for any mother however many children she has.
“If just one person had said that they would stand by me, it would have made a difference.”
“But back then, I bought into the lie that it was best for my family, and my relationship with them, that I get rid of this problem.”
“If just one person had said that they would stand by me, it would have made a difference,” Jean said.
Jean has since met many women who have had abortions. For all of them, abortion was a “tragedy”.
“The repercussions of an abortion are physical, mental and spiritual as well,” said Jean. “A baby’s life is in the woman’s body, so she is killing her own life in a way.”
When she first found out she was pregnant, Jean’s surprise came with tears of joy.
“I felt deep joy that I had life in me. I was a mother,” she shared.
While in South America, Jean had an ultrasound and had the chance to see the shape of her baby’s face, arms and legs.
Every night, she would pray, talk and sing to her baby, imagining he was lying next to her.
“I would feel him responding and know that he had heard me, that he was really together with me.”
She named him Ishmael, which means “God hears”.
“It was overwhelming to imagine a future as a single mum in an environment so hostile.”
That strong connection with her baby made the abortion all the more traumatic for Jean.
“On the day of the abortion, I spoke to him. He was kicking a lot.”
She was given pills at intervals of two hours to induce birth. When they failed to bring about strong enough contractions after three rounds, the doctor suggested that she could her body and return another day to try again.
Jean was angry and in turmoil. She was torn between “the tension of wanting something that brings destruction to your body to work, yet emotionally knowing that going through the ordeal of inducing labour for an abortion would be too much to handle”.
She told the doctor she felt like she had no choice but to say yes to the abortion.
“Without support from family, friends and the church, it was overwhelming to imagine a future as a single mum in an environment so hostile”.
In desperation, Jean broke down, crying out to God: “This is just too much, Lord.”
She said: “I felt that He turned away from me. But in that moment of absence, I realised God was there with me every moment of my life even in all my sins. I wept.”
“In that moment, I was dead as well. My spirit, my body, my mind … I died.”
Jean apologised to God, and also to her son, for not being strong enough to be a mother to him.
“After the prayer, I felt the contractions come. It was like my son saying goodbye.”
At six months in utero, her baby would have been developed enough to cry at birth.
“To my shame, I feared hearing him cry for real. But he passed away in my womb. He was silent.
“In that moment, I was dead as well. My spirit, my body, my mind, it was just … I died.”
Jean’s physical recovery was excruciating.
“I would feel like fainting,” recalled Jean. “I struggled to pee and poo because my bowels just weren’t functioning.”
But her emotional recovery was even tougher.
Jean found work in Malaysia. She hoped that dancing and singing would help her heal. It didn’t.
“I felt such healing when I finally broke my silence and shared it with someone else.”
But she saw God’s hand in moving her to a place where she could experience true healing from Him.
In Malaysia, she met a fellow dancer who confided in her that she had attempted to abort her baby.
This gave Jean the courage to share her own story. Until then, she had heeded her family’s instructions not to speak to anyone about her pregnancy or the abortion.
“I felt such healing when I finally broke my silence and shared it with someone else,” Jean said.
Even one-and-a-half years after the abortion, Jean suffered from severe physical effects. For example, executing technically-challenging dance moves caused her tremendous pain.
On the outside, Jean’s career appeared to be thriving. But on the inside, she was hurting physically and emotionally.
Then at 3am one night, she had a dream that she believes was from God.
“From the dream, I knew I had to tell my theatre company that I just couldn’t go on with them anymore,” Jean said.
She made the difficult decision to leave the company – and also the stellar career it promised.
Shortly after that, Jean came across an arts grant just 20 minutes before applications closed.
To her surprise, she was awarded the grant, even though she had submitted her application 10 minutes after the deadline. The grant enabled her to go to Poland to be part of a dance movement workshop.
Jean knew this opportunity was not mere luck or chance, but “God opening doors” for her.
The workshop in Poland included running in the forest. During one night-time run, Jean felt especially afraid when she could hear but couldn’t see her friends.
So she started to pray.
“As I looked up, I saw a star above my head and felt God’s presence,” she recalled.
The next day, Jean’s abdominal cramps and migraines were miraculously gone.
She lay on the grass and told God, “Be the Lord of my body.”
The next day, Jean realised that the abdominal cramps and migraines that had wracked her body post-abortion were miraculously gone.
This was the start of her complete healing.
“I used to boast about what a strong person I was,” Jean said. “But only Jesus could have healed my brokenness after the abortion.”
Jean’s stint in Poland also paved the way for her to apply for a master’s programme in healing arts in Prague.
Jean enjoying a special meal with her housemates in Prague.
Things quickly fell into place – something which she attributes to God. In under three months, she moved to Prague and found an apartment she liked.
In 2018, two years after the abortion, Jean made a public declaration of her faith and got baptised.
During the service, Jean shared her abortion story. It moved the congregation to tears.
Jean (left) and friends at the Botanical Gardens in Prague.
As Bible verses were read, she felt her spirit “take on a new birth”.
Moved by the experience, Jean decided to let God heal her instead of looking for solace in dance.
Elders of the church prayed for her healing and deliverance from past practices and hurts that were blocking her closeness with God.
“I realised that the spiritual dimension is real. There is a God who loves me, and an enemy that hated that and did all he could to prevent my relationship with God,” she said.
“After deliverance, I could read the Bible much more closely – as if God himself was speaking to me. I could not get enough of it and I wanted to know God more. I finally found what could really feed my spirit in a way that was good for me, unlike my false comforts, my identity in the arts, and my skills that I use to express myself.”
Why was knowing the Bible so crucial? Jean said: “I had accepted Christ when I was 13. But having no real foundation in God’s Word, I sought my own way in the world.
“Only a decade later, after searching through other religions, sex, drugs, alcohol, and finding identity in everything else, did I realise the truth of God and His Love.”
Six months after her baptism, Jean felt God call her to get equipped to help others heal. She went to the United Kingdom to train under Ellel Ministries, a Christian organisation that also offers prayers and biblical teaching for those in need.
Over two years there, Jean finally experienced the deep healing she once sought – but never found – in the arts.
“I suddenly broke free of my deep guilt and condemnation.”
During one prayer session, she was “given the space to listen to God”. And she felt Him speak straight to her heart.
“He told me, ‘I forgive you. You are loved.’”
Intellectually, she had long understood that God had sent his son Jesus to die on the cross to take on all our sins.
But it was during this prayer session that she truly “felt it in my spirit”. It was life-changing.
“I suddenly broke free of my deep guilt and condemnation,” Jean shared. “I finally realised that, through Jesus, we are seen as righteous before God. I received His healing and love.”
Jean’s healing continued in another prayer session. Seemingly out of the blue, a man told her, “On behalf of the men who have abused you, can I ask for your forgiveness?”
Jean wept. No man in her life had ever apologised to her, so this meant a lot.
Jean (centre) at Ellel Ministries in Surrey, UK.
The healthy friendships that Jean made at Ellel also helped to heal her from the trauma of hurtful, violent relationships.
Jean also learnt to forgive her family and herself as well.
“I really do love my family and look forward to seeing them again.”
Jean is now stationed in Prague. She is involved in bringing deep healing and deliverance to those who are hurting – especially women who have gone through abortion.
“I am the worst of sinners. So, I can relate to people who struggle with their feeling of being unworthy of Christ.
Jean has many opportunities to hold babies as she helps pregnant women, mothers and children heal.
“I have murdered, I had blood on my hands. But it is through my sins that the saving grace of God – the reality of our faith – comes forth.
“The abortion changed my relationship with the Lord. It was only after it that heaven and eternal life became real for me.”
Along with her healing, Jean feels a restored sense of hope.
“I am hopeful of being in a healthy relationship and married with children,” she said.
If you have an unplanned pregnancy and lack – or have limited – emotional, physical or practical support, here’s where to seek help:
Heartbeat Project: Partnering experts in their fields – including counsellors, doctors, fostering and adoption agencies – Project Heartbeat journeys, without judgement, with women exploring options for unplanned pregnancies. The ministry of 3:16 Church also provides help for families of children with special needs. Email: [email protected], Website: heartbeatproject.sg
Safe Place: The shelter offers a gamut of services to empower women with unsupported pregnancies to embrace motherhood with confidence and hope, and equip them with life skills. Services range from counselling to support for mothers in caring for their babies. Safe Place was started by its director, Jennifer Heng, who went through crisis pregnancy in her teens. It was birthed in 2018 in partnership with Lakeside Family Services. Website: safeplace.org.sg
HCSA Dayspring SPIN: SPIN (which stands for Single Parents Informed, Involved and Included) aims to empower single parents who lack support to be resilient and self-reliant. Members will be matched with trained befrienders who will provide practical and socio-economic support. Support includes increased access to practical resources, as well as services offering respite for its members. The initiative was started by HCSA Community Services in collaboration with the National Council of Social Service. Website: hcsaspin.sg
This is an excerpt of an article that first appeared in Salt&Light.
