For years, he couldn’t forgive his strict father. Then this happened

It is not easy to forgive someone, especially if they seem to reject our first attempts at reconciling.

Patrick Lau, 73, tells us how his difficult relationship with his father was wonderfully healed after many years of anger and resentment.

(The following story was adapted from his published biography. To order a copy, please email [email protected].)

Wanting to drown

Growing up, I was not emotionally stable.

My dad was not around as a father figure to give me the support I needed. My mum and I were close and she loved me. Yet, I struggled with insecurity and was often lonely as a youth.

Patrick’s mum and dad. He was close to his mother but held an angry grudge against his strict dad for many years.

“My mind raced as I grappled with thoughts of ending my life.”

One evening when I was quite young, I was feeling really angry and confused, although I couldn’t understand why.

Frustrated, I rode my bicycle from my home at Upper Serangoon Road to the end of Punggol.

Alone, I stood by the edge of the Punggol sea. My mind raced as I grappled with thoughts of ending my life.

“I will jump into the sea and all my struggles will stop!” I said to myself. I was convinced that drowning was the best way to escape my problems.

I looked out at the vast open water.

Suddenly, the sea seemed so dark and scary. A foreboding expanse of the unknown stretched out before me. The wind turned chilly as an icy fear gripped my heart, freezing my thoughts of dying out in the darkness.

I immediately lost my nerve and turned around to go home.

Looking back on that moment now, I believe God protected me when He kept me from ending my life at sea. I’m so grateful – even though I did not know Him at the time.

Angry at my dad

During my secondary school days, my brother had a lot of bad experiences with my father. I witnessed many of them.

I also saw some ugly things happening between my parents. They were a good couple overall – but my father was often domineering and authoritative.

Seeing these things added to my growing resentment towards him.

(Both photos) Patrick had a very hard time getting along with his father during his secondary school years.

My father wasn’t at home a lot since he would only arrive back late in the evening after work. He was also fiercely strict.

Whenever he stepped through the door, all fun activities ended. It felt like we were living in a military base. I dreaded the oppressive atmosphere.

“I told my father that I would stop calling him my ‘dad’. Likewise, he shouted back that I was also no longer his son.”

One day, I had a small disagreement with my father.

In that heated moment, my years of pent up frustration and anger towards him boiled over. I was livid, fuming at his lack of understanding.

Exploding like a powder keg, I told my father that I would stop calling him my “dad”. Likewise, he shouted back that I was also no longer his son.

I stormed out of the house. One of my brothers tried to stop me but I punched him in the stomach.

Patrick (right) with his second brother Kim Boon, whom he punched in the stomach.

Lost in my rage and heartbreak, I jumped into the water and tried to drown myself.

I ran across the road and headed straight for the nearby big fish pond. My siblings chased after me.

Lost in my rage and heartbreak, I jumped into the water and tried to drown myself.

I thank God that my brothers caught up to me and saved me from my irrational act. They dived in and pulled me out of the water.

Finding faith

Some time later, I decided to welcome God into my life, thanks to a student outreach event.

This was a really life-changing choice for me. I grew quickly in my faith. I was so hungry to know and experience God after everything I’d been through as a youth.

Patrick (third from right) with several other friends who went straight into Berean Bible Training School after their graduation. They are pictured here in Malaysia during a mission trip. Photo courtesy of Graham DuRose.

“God was reminding me that I had not yet forgiven my father.”

After my baptism, I especially enjoyed being a Sunday School teacher for children in Primary 3.

One night as I prepared materials for a lesson, I felt the Holy Spirit suddenly speak to me.

God was reminding me that I had not yet forgiven my father for the things he did.

At that time, I was still angry and resentful towards my dad. I barely even spoke to him.

It was so hard for me to just let things go. I struggled a lot with what God was asking me to do: to forgive my father and also ask for his forgiveness.

Yet, after many hours, I knew I had to take that first step to heal our father-son relationship. I needed to apologise to my dad and make peace.

Letting go

I stepped out of my room and made my way downstairs as quietly as I could.

In my mind, I was rehearsing how I would ask for my father’s forgiveness in Teochew. I hesitated – but kept moving.

“Looking straight at him, I said in Teochew: ‘Father, please forgive me.'”

As I walked to my father’s room, I suddenly bumped into him instead.

I saw his eyes flash with anger as we stood face-to-face.

Looking straight at him, I said in Teochew: “Father, please forgive me.”

A big part of me expected him to smile in response; I was hoping he would hug me or do something nice and all would be well.

But he didn’t. Instead, he simply shouted at me: “Go to sleep!”

I felt angry for a little while – but overall, I was relieved I’d tried. I’d obeyed God and gotten a heavy load off my chest. I’d sought my father’s forgiveness, even though he didn’t acknowledge it at that time.

Patrick (right) with his late older brother Fredrick. He was one of the 2 brothers who ran to rescue Patrick from drowning in the big fish pond.

Why did my father react so angrily?

Looking back, I think he didn’t really expect my apology. It came out of nowhere.

“Learning to forgive my father, as well as asking for his forgiveness, was the beginning of a wonderful healing process between us.”

Also, he grew up in a traditional generation that expected men to be tough all the time. My father wouldn’t have been used to expressions of apology like what I did.

Regardless, I found that learning to forgive my father, as well as asking for his forgiveness, was the beginning of a wonderful healing process between us.

I started to love my dad more and more as time went on. The journey wasn’t always easy, but it was worth it.

When he was sick, I took him to the clinic. I bought him food, and when he came home, I made sure to call him “Dad”.

These simple gestures of respect really helped to mend our relationship over time. The wounds were slowly closing.

Saying goodbye

My father died just a few years later. I miss him till this day.

I grew to care for him very much and I regret that my pride and anger for many years had kept us from bonding earlier in our lives.

“I grew to care for him very much and I regret that my pride and anger for many years had kept us from bonding earlier in our lives.”

Before my dad passed, several pastors came by to the hospital to pray for him. He didn’t resist any of them.

All his children were gathered around his deathbed, me included. 

My dad made sure to speak to each of us, asking how our work was going. This was his way of showing us his love and concern.

When he spoke to me, he asked: “Have you done all that you needed to do?” He was referring to my work as a pastor – a role I’d step into over the years.

Rev Patrick Lau with his daughter Ps Daphne Lau, who carries on her father’s passion in serving God.

“I was so touched that, in his dying moments, my dad showed his concern for me and what I do.”

I was so touched that, in his dying moments, my dad showed his concern for me and what I do. It meant so much to me to hear his heart.

Then, my father suddenly turned towards the opened door in his room and said: “They’re coming!” I believe he was seeing the angels come to take him home.

My father rested his head on his pillow and closed his eyes. A moment later he was gone. He left this world peacefully, like a gentle whisper.

I was the last person he ever spoke to.

Grateful to God

If I had never forgiven my dad or sought his forgiveness, I know I would have ended up a bitter man filled with regret and resentment.

I would also have been a hypocrite for teaching and preaching to others about loving their fathers – while secretly holding onto a terrible grudge against my own dad.

Rev Patrick Lau shares his life journey of finding God in his book, The Pastor.

That’s why I’m so grateful to God for the chance He gave to reconcile with my father before he passed away.

It was an amazing journey and I’m thankful for His guidance on that life-changing Sunday morning when I first said “sorry”.

I’m also so blessed for having a dad who worked hard to provide for the family he loved.

To anyone reading this: If you find it difficult to forgive someone, please turn to God. He always watches over you and has a wonderful plan for your life. Humble yourself and ask Him for help. He will guide you through the process.

Believe me, it will be the best decision of your life – as it is for mine.

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