My bipolar disorder came out of the blue, but I feel better after 5 years
By
Jabez Goh
, 7 October 2021
Hannah on a nature walk in 2020. She leads a more active lifestyle these days, which boosts her mood. Photos courtesy of Hannah Grace Torres.
TRIGGER WARNING: THIS ARTICLE MENTIONS SUICIDE.
Five years ago, Hannah Grace Torres unexpectedly developed a mental health condition that led to two hospital admissions and a suicide attempt. The 23-year-old shares how her life got turned around.
I was an emotional kid, but was mostly happy while growing up.
All that changed in 2016, the first year of my tertiary studies.
A close friend shared with me about the mistreatment she faced at home. Every time we hung out, it reminded me of her pain and how I couldn’t do anything to help.
Unknowingly, I was trying to be her “saviour” and trying to shoulder her burden. My mind was constantly filled with sorrow for her struggles. As those feelings snowballed, I started losing sleep.
At the same time, I was also struggling with academic stress as assignments started piling up.
As this mix of intense emotions overwhelmed my mind, I began drifting away from reality. I became depressed, had extreme moods and started hearing voices.
Hannah (middle) with her siblings before beginning her tertiary education in 2016.
Once, when speaking with my school counsellor, I kept hearing her tell me weird things like “your dad is going to get arrested” and “you’re going to be in a mental hospital forever”, even though those were not the words she used.
Because of my mental health, I got a deferment from school and eventually dropped out. During this break, Mum brought me to numerous polyclinic appointments, which led to me seeing a psychiatrist for some time.
I was told I had schizophrenia. The condition kept getting worse. As my moods became more extreme, I started hurting myself.
I was in a dark place where my thoughts bombarded me with lies such as “you can’t help your friend”, “you can’t do anything right” and “you should just die”.
Thankfully, my family stopped me when I almost attempted suicide.
Mum brought me to the emergency department of the Institute of Mental Health (IMH), and I was diagnosed as having bipolar II disorder.
First steps to getting help
I was hospitalised for about nine days. I was terrified.
I felt an intense loneliness and fear as my parents could not stay there with me overnight.
I also encountered patients with mental illnesses more extreme than mine. Their behaviour was unpredictable. There were many times when I thought another patient was speaking with me before realising they were speaking to something else.
I was still experiencing manic episodes. At the other extreme, I could become very depressed or even lose my concept of reality.
Hannah (left) with her sister after her first discharged from IMH in 2017. She appears to be smiling, but she was struggling to express the emotions she truly felt.
Medication was another thing that made my IMH experience difficult.
As it suppressed my emotions, I felt like I was unable to express myself or cry when I wanted to. I was also physically uncomfortable as side effects like tremors, drooling and weakness kicked in.
While my brain was trying to get used to the medication, it became difficult to do small things like count money or focus during conversations. I also could not read as I could not process the words.
All this led me to believe that the medication was making me worse.
I secretly stopped taking the medication for a while after I got discharged. I was also often home alone and became addicted to pornography.
Eventually, my guilt over watching porn and the lack of medication caused a relapse. In 2018, I was admitted to IMH again. and I was admitted to IMH again.
I couldn’t accept myself
Even after I was discharged after a few weeks in hospital, I faced challenges.
The new medication caused me to gain weight and develop acne, affecting my body image.
Hannah and her nephews when she visited family in the Philippines in 2018. During this time, she found it difficult to accept herself because of her weight gain and acne. But she realised that her relatives didn’t treat her any differently.
I faced a stigma for being “different”.
People commented about my weight and strangers thought I was pregnant. Because of my mental illness, some friends saw me in a bad light and drifted away.
At that time, my mental health was improving. And being clear-headed enough to see my reality caused me to spiral down into a dark place emotionally.
I could not accept the person I had become and believed I would no longer be accepted or loved by the community.
Realising how much I am loved
There were many times during those difficult years when I doubted God, even though I had been a Christian since childhood.
When I was hospitalised, there would be occasions where I could feel His presence and find comfort in Him. But then there were other instances where I would question His existence and wonder why He allowed me to go through such suffering.
“If you are real, why are You not here with me?” That was one of the many things I asked God.
However, on hindsight, I can definitely say God was always with me. He sent people into my life to point me to His goodness and bring me healing.
Hannah was on the road to fully recovering from her mental illness when this photo was taken during her father’s birthday in 2019.
Being admitted into IMH twice was a difficult experience, but it was integral to my recovery process. The doctors and nurses knew what they were doing and took good care of me.
The medication was also crucial in stabilising my mental state even though it had negative side effects. Over time, it was adjusted, and my current prescription is much more comfortable.
I felt the consistent support of my family members and church family when I was hospitalised. They spent many precious hours visiting me.
Hannah at her 21st birthday party in 2019, with a close friend from church who visited her in IMH, and has been there to listen and pray with her.
They would talk to me, play card games with me and bring gifts like chocolate or the Bible. My pastor even taught me to play soccer in the ward’s garden.
They treated me like I was one of their own – never like I was different. I didn’t feel judged and that was really beautiful.
After I was discharged from IMH the second time, people from church also scheduled dates to visit me at home. They would talk to me and pray for me. A church mentor even came to read to me.
Hannah celebrating her church mentor’s birthday in 2021. She has journeyed with Hannah through some of her toughest times.
Realising I could not be home alone, my mum encouraged me to give counselling a chance. And so I started attending Christian counselling.
My counsellor helped me with my struggles with my body image.
Even if I didn’t feel it, I was loved by God.
She looked me in the eye and told me to say “I am loved by God” whenever I looked into a mirror.
I did this affirmation exercise whenever I felt worthless or disgusted with my body. It was such a simple thing that reminded me that even if I didn’t feel it, I was loved by God.
At my counsellor’s encouragement, I started to go outdoors more often to exercise. Being active helps boost my mood.
Journey to recovery
When my body finally adjusted to the medication, I was able to read again.
I still had a worldly perspective on my beauty and worth, which led me to feel worthless and abandoned.
Then, while reading the Bible, I came across the story of a woman who bled for 12 years (Luke 8:40-48).
I imagined the crowd would have treated the woman with disgust as she passed through them to touch Jesus’ garment.
Jesus, however, didn’t shun her. He turned around and said: “Daughter, your faith has healed you.”
This woman was probably ostracised by her family and society for a dozen years. Yet Jesus not only healed her, he called her “daughter”.
The story reminded me that God sees me not because the world sees me – but because I am saved, because He loves me and because He is who He says He is.
Realising that, I re-established my connection with God – spending more time to pray and use my journalling Bible.
It contributed to my healing as I finally found fulfilment not in the world or in myself, but in having a relationship with the God. He created the vast universe and yet still knows my name.
Hannah and schoolmates who worked on a proposal on helping youths with mental illness, in 2019.
Today, I still go for counselling and take medication, but I am definitely in a better place.
I have returned to school and am currently studying in a polytechnic.
I am also more intentional about building a relationship with God, and sharing my story to encourage others who are also living with a mental health condition.
To those struggling with mental health: Know that you are not alone.
You probably feel unseen and believe no one understands you, but know this: God does see you and is with you.
The world may deem you hopelessly ugly and worthless, but that is not true at all.
Jesus is beautiful and worthy enough for us. Through Him, we are all saved.
If you’re feeling troubled and would like to chat with someone, help is available:
