Minnie Ang first met her father when she visited him in prison. She was just five years old at that time.
Her father, Ang Kok Kee, was a drug addict and gambler. Long before she was born, he had already been to prison – twice.
“My mother told him if he continued to take drugs and was sent in the third time, she would not forgive him and would not have any contact with him,” said Minnie, now 34.
After Minnie was born, her father was sent to prison again – for his longest sentence yet. Her mother cut off ties with him.
Not able to cope, her mother sent Minnie to live with her paternal grandparents.
Growing up without her parents, Minnie felt unwanted and unloved.
Being without her parents from young age, Minnie grew up feeling lonely. Her family called her a “cry baby” because she cried all the time.
Minnie returned to live with her mother when she was in Primary Three. But things did not improve.
She was often alone at home at night as her sisters – who were older than her by 8 and 11 years – were in school or at work, and their mother worked in the evenings.
“Sometimes, loan sharks would come to our house even though our father didn’t live with us. I would hide under the blanket.
“A few times, the police would come to our house to search for drugs. I was always scared.”
Loved from behind bars
Though she had only heard bad things about her father, Minnie has good memories of their first meeting.
“It was a very old prison and I was very small. My grandmother told me, ‘This is your father.’
Whenever he could, Minnie’s father would take her out.
“I looked up at him. I wasn’t scared of him.
“He was very smiley and he called me, ‘Ni-ah’. I didn’t feel that he was a stranger.”
“He was very smiley and he called me, ‘Ni-ah’. When I first met him, I didn’t feel that he was a stranger.”
Once, when he was released from prison, he took Minnie to the Singapore Zoo.
He would be arrested and imprisoned soon after.
Minnie next saw him when she was in Primary One. He came to watch her perform at a Founder’s Day concert at school.
Minnie’s dad came to her school to watch her perform at a Founder’s Day concert.
Such was the pattern of their relationship until she was in her 20s.
“Whenever he was released from prison, he would call me and come look for me.”
“Whenever he was released from prison, he would call me and come look for me.”
They never lived in the same house and he was seldom around. Yet, her father did all he could to make her feel loved.
“If I needed to buy school books, uniforms or shoes, he would give me the money. If I needed money for tuition, I would ask him. He supported me.
“If he was in prison, he had a friend outside whom I could contact to get money from.”
Turning 60 and over a new leaf
Every time Minnie’s father was out of prison, there was something he would talk to her about.
“He would ask me to pray to God because God loves me.
“He would talk to me about the Bible. He must have read the whole Bible because he would tell me stories from it,” she said.
While in prison, Minnie’s father became a Christian. At every opportunity, he would encourage her to pray to God.
Her father had not been a regular at church before Minnie was born. He became a Christian several years later while in prison, despite his own mother’s objections.
He struggled to break free from the hold of drugs – until he turned 60. Minnie was 27 then and engaged to be married.
“My father got out of prison and told me that he wanted to turn over a new leaf and spend his time with his children. He wanted to walk me down the aisle.”
He made good his promise.
“I was so happy. I felt that I had a father,” Minnie said.
When she was 27, Minnie’s father made good his promise to turn his life around.
He never returned to his life of crime. Instead, he found a job as a cook – his first legitimate job ever.
“Even till today, it was the best meal I can remember.”
He was so proud to earn his first pay cheque earned through legal means.
“I would visit him at work and he would cook for me. It was the first time he cooked for me.
“Even till today, it is the best meal I can remember.”
When Minnie’s father received his first pay cheque from his first job as a cook, he was so proud of himself.
Minnie realised that her father’s transformation could have only come from God.
“That was when I really saw that God is real,” said Minnie. It drew her to the faith.
Stage 3 nose cancer
Then in 2017, Minnie had a blocked ear that lasted a month. It led to checks and scans, and finally a diagnosis: Stage 3 nose cancer.
“The cancer had gone to my muscles and bone under my skull. I was scared. I thought I was going to die,” she said.
“The cancer had gone to my muscles and bone. I was scared. I thought I was going to die.”
Minnie’s father cared for her.
He took time off work to be with her at every chemotherapy session. When she was too weak from her treatment to walk, her father carried her.
“That was when I really prayed the most,” she said.
When Minnie was too weak from her chemotherapy to walk, her father carried her.
Her father’s Bible stories and encouragement, the lessons she had learnt in the mission school she had attended, and the encounters with the faith in her mid-20s all came together in one defining moment.
“I began to put my faith and trust in God, and to depend on Him a lot. I believed God would heal. But I also believed that even if I died, I would see God. It strengthened my faith a lot,” she said.
143 means “I love you”
Minnie’s faith would be tested five years later in December 2021.
Her father had severe constipation, and tests revealed a tumour behind his stomach. He was diagnosed with cancer. He had been drug-free for eight years at that point.
Minnie’s father at his first chemotherapy session. He did not fear dying because he knew that he would be going to be with God.
Though determined to fight the cancer, her father also made peace with death.
“He told me, ‘Ni-ah, when I die, you all don’t need to be sad. You have to be happy during the funeral.
“I asked, ‘Why?’
“He said, ‘I have eligibility to meet Jesus because I am a Christian. You must be happy because I will be out of my suffering.
“He said, ‘I have lived a very good eight years. God has been good to me. My children are all grown up. I have nothing to worry about and I am going to see God.’”
“I was more affected by his cancer than mine.”
Even with chemotherapy, the cancer still spread till it reached his lungs.
“I was more affected by his cancer than mine,” said Minnie. “When I was going through my treatment, it was very painful. I didn’t want anybody to go through the same thing, especially not those I love – like my own father.
“He was always a strong pillar. Then suddenly, my strong pillar was collapsing.”
Holding hands for the final time. When her father was first warded in the Intensive Care Unit, Minnie begged him to fight to survive, whispering, “I love you” for the first time. He survived for a few more weeks.
But God would show Himself to be Minnie’s ultimate pillar of support.
She had sleepless nights since her father was diagnosed with cancer. The night her father passed away, Minnie slept soundly.
“I dreamt of my father and a white figure holding his hand as he walked.”
“I dreamt of my father and a white figure holding his hand as he walked. My father smiled and waved at me, as if telling me goodbye.”
Minnie woke up at 1.20am to a call from the hospital. The family arrived nine minutes too late to say their final farewell. Minnie believed that her father chose to die alone because “he didn’t want to see us cry”.
“He passed away at 1.43am. ‘143’ is code for ‘I love you’. It was as if he was telling us that he loved us. It was the best and sweetest thing he did.
“When I saw him, I felt peace because I had that dream. He is with God. I believe God knows that I didn’t want my father to go. So He prepared me for it.”
Permission to cry
Minnie tried to keep her promise to her father to be happy for him. But she could not help blaming God.
“I wrestled a lot with God. I stopped praying, I was crying, I was grieving a lot. It really didn’t make sense to me why my father had to die.
“I questioned God a lot, saying, ‘Why do You do things that don’t make sense?’”
Minnie kept her promise to her father not to mourn at his funeral. On the final night of the wake, she slept beside his casket. Her last words to him were: “I am so proud of you, Dad.”
Right after the funeral, Minnie contracted Covid-19. Isolated and in pain, she cried throughout the six days in self-quarantine. In desperation, she surfed the Internet in search of a way to cope.
“I downloaded a grief recovery guide from I don’t know which website.”
It turned out to be the website of Whispering Hope Singapore. The consultancy helps people recover from grief over all sorts of losses in life.
When its co-founder and director, Gracie Mak, reached out to Minnie, she was moved.
“I felt like God sent someone to rescue me. I had forgotten about the guide,” Minnie said.
“I had blamed him for not being with me when I was growing up.”
Minnie signed up for the grief recovery sessions, and her breakthrough came in the final session.
“I learnt to resolve the outstanding issues in my relationship with my father,” she said. “I had blamed him for not being with me when I was growing up.
“After he passed on, I could not sleep. But after that session, I slept like a baby for the first time.”
She also learnt that it was alright to cry.
“When I used to cry, I wondered if I was going through depression, if I needed medication to manage my emotions.”
The Minnie who used to never speak of her father is also gone.
“Now I feel very proud of him and I am really proud to be his daughter,” she said.
This is an excerpt of an article that first appeared in Salt&Light.
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