I experienced a supernatural comfort that helped me to love the father who abandoned me … twice

I was just 11 months old when my father packed his things and walked out of our home, leaving my mum and me to fend for ourselves.

As my mum had to work to support us, I spent most of my childhood with my grandmother and my aunties.

Even though I had uncles, they had their own lives and commitments. So I struggled without a father figure to look up to.

I envied other kids whose dads and mums were together. As a child, I was forced to accept that I would not have the warmth of a complete family.

Meeting dad for the first time

Growing up, I had many unanswered questions about my father: Who is he? What’s he like? Why did he leave?

I needed closure. 

But out of respect for my mum, I didn’t reach out to my father until she passed away in 2009.

After his father walked out of the family, Shi Yuan was raised by his mum (standing), grandmother (left) and other relatives, including his aunty (right).

Through an uncle, I got in touch with my father and we arranged to meet at a café.

I feared that he would reject me and refuse to acknowledge me as his son. So I was relieved that he agreed to meet me.

I thought that meeting the man who had caused me so much hurt would overwhelm me.

I grew anxious as the day of our meeting drew near.

I thought that meeting the man who had abandoned me and caused me so much hurt would overwhelm me.

But when I saw him for the first time, my feelings were neutral. He was just another person.

We chatted about how he was doing and how I was doing. But neither of us mentioned the past.

Abandoned again

After that meeting, I called my dad every now and then to ask how he was doing.

But about a year later, he called me and told me not to contact him anymore.

He said I should live my own life and treat him as if he didn’t exist.

He had abandoned me as a child. And now, he was “abandoning” me again.

He didn’t give a reason, but I guessed that his family was unhappy that he had reconnected with me.

I was extremely hurt.

He had abandoned me as a child. And now, he was “abandoning” me again.

At church that evening, my tears flowed and flowed as I cried out to God.

I had so many questions: Why did he have to do this to me? Why does everyone have an earthly father except me? Is there something wrong with me?

Finding my Father figure

For a long time, I felt hurt and bitter, especially when I saw elderly men with their grown-up sons.

Even my wife didn’t know that I would sometimes break down and cry. 

I made a conscious effort every day to pray and surrender my sadness and hurt to God.

I told Him: “God, I am your child. I need you to heal me.”

It was a struggle and a long process. But gradually, I noticed that the feelings I had as a result of my father’s abandonment lessening. 

Shi Yuan with his wife and their sons.

For example, because I had no father figure to look up to, I struggled for years to be a father to my own two sons. Because I saw my sons as myself, there was fear in me – to the point that I didn’t dare take them out to the grocery store alone. 

I didn’t dare take my sons out to the grocery store alone. 

I also felt like a failure as I didn’t grow up in a complete family. And paradoxically, I felt that I deserved a proper family even though I had my wife and my sons – my own flesh and blood.

Through verses in the Bible, God reminded me that He is the centre of my marriage, my family and my boys. I am never alone. He is always with me. God gave me the peace and courage to finally be a father to my boys.

Supernatural comfort

I also experienced God’s supernatural love and comfort.

After I was abandoned for the second time, my heart was full of hurt.

I posted a rant on Facebook which included swear words that reflected the condition of my heart towards my father. Friends and relatives saw it, but no one dared to ask me what had happened.

After that, on a few occasions, I felt as if I was comforted by someone touching my shoulders and my heart. My surroundings suddenly looked very bright as if someone had lit up the room. I experienced a peace and love that I knew could only come from Jesus.

I felt as if I was comforted by someone touching my shoulders and my heart.

It assured me that even though our earthly fathers may fail us, our Heavenly Father never will. 

My heart started to change. The pain from the last 40 years started to become less significant as I began to view my father as someone who really needed love.

I felt that God wanted me to share my heavenly Father’s love with my earthly father who brought me into this world. 

And though I didn’t feel particularly fond of my father, I knew I had to obey God’s commandment to honour your father and mother. (Exodus 20:12)

I knew it would be difficult. So I started praying for opportunities to tell my father about Jesus – and the eternal life after death that He promises those who believe in Him.

Last year, I finally got the chance to.

“Just waiting to die”

In September, my aunt sent me a WhatsApp message. She told me that my father was in a hospice battling Stage 4 lung cancer. 

At that time, I was going through a difficult period at work and in my personal life.

Visiting my father was the last thing on my mind. But I recalled what God had wanted me to do, and asked Him to help me.

My good friend and spiritual mentor, Raymond, went with me to the hospice.

I saw this sharing from his heart as our point of reconciliation. 

When I saw my father, he was downcast and didn’t make eye contact with me. He told me that he was just waiting to die. I saw this sharing from his heart as our point of reconciliation. 

Sensing that my father might be more open to hearing about Jesus if I wasn’t around, I left Raymond alone to speak with him. 

Later, Raymond told me that my father had invited Jesus into his life. I was so surprised and overjoyed. It was truly unbelievable.

When I went to see my father, he was resting with his eyes closed. I knew that it was the last time I would see him.

My father passed away peacefully in December. I believe that he is in heaven now.

Loving your worst enemy

I may seem foolish to want to share Jesus’ love with the man who had abandoned me and hurt me so deeply.

But I remembered Jesus’ commandment for us to forgive those who have wronged us (Matthew 18:21-22).

What I did for my father had nothing to do with me.

No matter how bad a person is, or even if he’s your worst enemy, Jesus died for him. They could have hurt you badly, but God’s desire is for everyone to come to Him and for no one to perish (2 Peter 3:9).

What I did for my father had nothing to do with me. It was all God.

God also healed the deep hurts caused by my father’s rejection. 

It was God who helped me to say: “Yes, my father has done the most hurtful thing. But if he becomes Your child, God, that’s good enough.”

A version of this story first appeared in Salt&Light.

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