Growing up, Carolyn Lim, now 53, often didn’t know why she was caned.
Once, she was so fascinated by the rain that she didn’t hear a relative ask her a question.
The relative assumed that Carolyn was deliberately not responding. So she was caned.
Even into her adult years, she thought such treatment was normal as it happened so often in two relationships.
Carolyn was also threatened with irons and brooms. Her face was scratched and bruised. Other times, she was humiliated and called “ugly” in front of others.
She experienced gaslighting, a form of psychological abuse that makes victims question their reality.
Vulgarities were frequently hurled at her over trivial instances – like over a cup left on the table, when she hadn’t handled it.
In her teens, Carolyn wanted to become a social worker. But her father, a successful entrepreneur, encouraged her to attend business school. She worked in advertising for two years before giving that up to homeschool her children.
Even into her adult years, she thought such treatment was normal as it happened so often in two relationships.
Carolyn felt hated and didn’t know who she was.
Controlled and manipulated, she became depressed and suicidal in her 30s.
In her despair, the young mother cried out to God.
She began to experience several supernatural encounters that assured her that she was not alone.
While walking along the Singapore River one night, Carolyn was surprised to receive a call from a friend who attended a different church. The friend was praying and was prompted to call Carolyn to tell her to return home.
The call was perfectly timed.
“I was thinking about killing myself, even though I didn’t think I would act on it,” said Carolyn, who obeyed and returned home.
In her teens, Carolyn came to know and love God and volunteered for mission work.
It taught her that “God will not abandon us even when we give up on ourselves”.
On another occasion, she ran up Fort Canning Hill, crying in despair.
“The path was strewn with white flowers, as though a wedding was going to take place. The crickets were singing at noon. When I sat down, I looked up and saw a canopy of flowers like small umbrellas shading me from the sun, and the birds nest ferns embracing me.
“Words cannot describe the majesty and splendour of the scene.
“I went home feeling comforted even though I didn’t know what was going to happen next.”
“I felt like I was in a worship sanctuary in nature. I felt taken into God’s bosom. It was as if He was telling me, ‘You don’t have to do this alone’.
This impression lasted for half an hour.
“It was so strange. I was in depression, but God was so close.”
“I went home feeling comforted even though I didn’t know what was going to happen next,” she said.
“It was one of many glimpses of God’s presence. In my most broken state, He was holding me.
“In the bottomless pit, I experienced firsthand the love, grace and mercy of God, and got to know the depth of His love.”
Carolyn tried to leave but went back to the family seven times, even going down on her knees and begging for forgiveness.
On the seventh time, vulgarities were shot at her “non-stop like a machine gun” over another trivial incident.
She blanked out. “I could not hear anymore.”
That was the last straw. She realised that things wouldn’t change.
When she finally left the two relationships 16 years ago, she fled with nothing except her two-year old, who gave her a reason to live. (Carolyn has another child that she hopes to be reunited with.)
She no longer had a home.
She also had no job and no income, for she had been homeschooling her children and doing volunteer work.
In her deepest pain, Carolyn experienced God’s love through the people He sent.
One man drove a long distance to whisk Carolyn and her child to safety.
“He told his wife not to disturb me for three days and three nights. They put me in a room and let me rest, and looked after my child until I came out of the shock,” she said.
Friends from church, as well as their friends – even from Malaysia and Indonesia – took turns to host Carolyn and her child during the seven years that they were homeless.
“They put me in a room, and looked after my child until I came out of the shock.”
“Everything that affects the lowest social sector – including homelessness and poverty – I experienced them all,” Carolyn said.
“I fell through all the cracks.”
But in her valley, she experienced God’s provision over and over again. Friends gathered clothes for Carolyn and her child. They received meals, funds, toys and education until Carolyn became financially independent.
“God saved me. He sent this international village of people to help me recover and find myself again. We never lacked anything from that day until today. It’s amazing,” she said.
A friend took Carolyn to see Anthony Yeo, “the father of counselling” in Singapore.
Anthony suspected Carolyn had been abused. It was the first time anyone had suggested it to her.
“‘Huh, abuse? How could it be?’ I thought. I couldn’t believe it as a lot of what I went through was very subtle,” she said.
“I felt peace, even though I was in turmoil,” said Carolyn of benefiting from counselling sessions with Anthony Yeo that would shape her future.
Carolyn benefited from the monthly counselling sessions, and after each one, would sleep well at night.
“I felt peace, even though I was in turmoil. Anthony was so sharp. He doesn’t waste your time. Everything he said clicked with me,” she said.
Sadly, Anthony passed away eight months into their counselling sessions.
Inspired by Anthony, Carolyn wanted to pursue a job like his.
God would provide stepping stones for her to help others – just as Anthony had helped her.
In what Carolyn calls “a miracle”, she secured a one-year internship at the Association of Women for Action and Research (AWARE). She had previously volunteered with them for two years.
As an intern counsellor and research assistant, she got to work with people in vulnerable situations.
Much to her surprise, Carolyn was later accepted into a Master in Counselling course. It was offered in Singapore by an Australian university that wanted a homeschool teacher like her for diversity.
She pawned her jewellery to pay for the first semester, not knowing where the rest of the fees would come from.
While she studied and worked, her village was “standing in as godfather, godsister, godauntie”.
Again, God provided. An elderly couple heard about her predicament and paid the remainder.
“All I needed to do was look after my child and myself,” she said.
The experience at AWARE led to a job with a Family Service Centre. There, Government funding partially paid for her Master of Social Work at the Singapore University of Social Sciences.
While she studied and worked, her village was “standing in as godfather, godsister, godauntie”. They took her daughter out, and “chipped in to do different things that I couldn’t”.
In 10 years, Carolyn earned two masters degrees.
In time, Carolyn became a counsellor at Care Corner Singapore, helping clients heal from traumas and mental health challenges.
Her boss sent her for training and therapy with a US trainer in The Therapeutic Spiral Model (TSM). It uses psychodrama – and actions such as bodily movements and gestures – to help victims open up. Many are unable to verbalise the trauma they have experienced.
As Carolyn benefited from the therapy, her boss suggested she take it on as her specialty to help others heal.
Carolyn’s first-hand experience of abuse, homelessness and poverty reassures clients: They know she has been in their shoes and understands what they are going through.
Carolyn’s greatest joy is seeing her counselling clients recover from trauma – something they never thought possible.
It also reminds her of God’s promise that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)
The hardest part for Carolyn was forgiving herself “for allowing the abuse to happen”.
As she gradually came to understand the principle “forgive them for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34) which Jesus cried out when He was on the Cross, she chose to forgive herself and the other parties.
“The power of forgiveness sets oneself free to move on, even if the other parties are not ready yet,” she said.
Knowing God’s love helped her to heal.
In turn, it led her to have greater empathy – and great joy in giving back to others in the community.
“The power of forgiveness sets oneself free to move on, even if the other parties are not ready yet.”
In one way, Carolyn sees her own trauma “as a blessing in disguise”. Through it she has been able to “help others find their voice”.
“When you eventually heal from your trauma, it accelerates your growth,” she said.
In her own healing journey, Carolyn clung to the Word of God and believed that “God is still sovereign”. Her greatest joy is seeing her clients recover when they themselves had not thought it possible.
“A lot of them are amazed and full of gratitude and appreciation. I’m just happy to see them have a breakthrough.”
A version of this article first appeared in Salt&Light. Additional reporting by Gemma Koh.
Care Corner Counselling Centre: Telephone 6353-1180 for a counselling appointment.
Care Corner Mental Health Department (INSIGHT): See @insightccs on Instagram for resources for youths and young adults
See www.carecorner.org.sg or email [email protected] for information on more services.
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