TRIGGER WARNING: This story contains material about suicide that some may find distressing.
Lim Shih Hui and her husband were a happy couple in their 30s when their second daughter came along in 2015.
But one night, when she was in her last month of maternity leave, her husband abruptly told her that he was meeting his friends and had to head out. At the time, he was in between jobs.
He had a strange expression on his face and she knew he was not telling her the truth.
“My husband does not lie, so I probed further. He eventually revealed to me that he had intended to end his life that night,” said Shih Hui.
Looking back, she realised all the tell-tale signs had been there.
During dinner, he was dressed nicely in a polo tee and long pants though they were simply eating at home. He strove to make eye contact with her and had an awkward smile on his face throughout the meal.
Better days: A photo taken from Shih Hui’s wedding album.
Though none in her family were Christians, Shih Hui was enrolled into Bethesda (Katong) kindergarten. This photo in school of her praying was taken by her father on her birthday.
When pressed further, he told Shih Hui that he felt useless and ought to be gone for good.
Shocked but knowing he needed medical attention, Shih Hui obtained his permission to admit him into the Institute of Mental Health (IMH) for treatment.
She visited him every day during the two weeks he stayed there.
Meanwhile, strange things were happening in her house.
“My house became like a perfect setting for a horror movie,” recounted Shih Hui, who was 34 then.
Electrical appliances in her house, such as the water heater, standing fan, clothes dryer and CD player, began malfunctioning one by one for no apparent reason.
On its own, the standing fan switched on. The windows were open when Shih Hui returned home though she had closed them before leaving the house.
Strange happenings: The standing fan switched on by itself; the windows were open though Shih Hui had closed them before leaving the house.
At night, the sliding door of her wardrobe rattled. Whenever she used her phone, calls out would get cut off suddenly.
Terrified, she asked her family members and friends to sleep over with her on some nights. They too sensed that something was amiss.
The last straw for Shih Hui came when she spotted a palm-sized bruise that appeared overnight on one of her daughter’s legs. Her two girls were then aged only five years and four months old respectively.
“The bruise was in the shape of a hand, but it was fatter than a human hand,” Shih Hui said. “It looked like the palm of some animal.”
The young mother was very scared but did not tell her husband about any of this as he was still in hospital.
Well-meaning non-Christian family members referred her to their religious contacts to help her rid her home of unclean spirits. She did what they instructed – rituals, prayers, bringing “protective” items home – but nothing worked.
Shih Hui did not know that she had loved ones who were Christians until her sister and a friend started sending her screenshots of Bible verses and devotionals.
“I didn’t have the mood and time to read all that was sent to me but the funny thing was that the wordings always became blurry whenever I tried to read them. It was as if something was blocking my vision,” she said.
One day, her sister sent her a Christian salvation prayer and asked her to recite it.
Receiving Jesus: A prayer for salvation that Shih Hui’s sister sent her via text message.
“She said that, should I decide to accept Jesus, He could help me. I sent her the roll-eye emoticon because I wondered how come this Jesus was so transactional? Why do I have to say a salvation prayer to receive Him into my heart before He could help me?” she said candidly.
Shih Hui brushed her sister’s suggestion aside.
That same night at almost 4am, as she was trying to fall asleep, she saw a warm light in her room near her door.
“With the light, I felt a kind of indescribable peace that I had never encountered before in my life. Then I heard a very gentle and calming voice assuring me not to be afraid. He said He would guide me even though I did not acknowledge Him.”
It was the first time in many days that she did not feel scared. That night, she had the best sleep.
The next morning when she woke up, she instinctively knew it was Jesus whom she had encountered. Remembering the salvation prayer her sister had sent her, she looked for it and read it out loud.
“I thought, aiyah, it wouldn’t kill me to just say a prayer. So I recited it,” she admitted.
When she did, she felt an inexplicable peace come over her.
“Everything happened so quickly and I was suddenly zapped from being drowned in fear to receiving the kind of peace that I didn’t know only Jesus can give.”
Within two days, she was connected to pastors and believers in Petra Community Church. They came over to her house and said a cleansing prayer.
“Just like that, all the demonic presence in the house was gone and has never come back since,” Shih Hui declared. “It was the first time I witnessed that there is power in the name of Jesus.”
Wanting to know more about this God that she had newly received, she read all the Bible verses and devotional messages that she had received. This time, the screenshots were no longer blurred.
Her husband was discharged from hospital a few days later. Excitedly, she told him all that had happened.
A friend shared more about Jesus with him and he prayed to receive Jesus into his heart. The couple settled down in Petra Church and were baptised in October 2015.
Shih Hui’s baptism in October 2015: Pastor David Ong and his wife, Whee Ling, were her lifegroup leaders in the first few years of her spiritual journey.
But her husband continued to struggle with depression and suicidal ideation.
“He hardly shared his feelings and low moments with anyone because he felt shame and pride,” said Shih Hui. “At that time, information and testimonies of mental health were not as widely shared (as now) and so we had limited knowledge about depression.
“It was also difficult for me to reach out for help because he would stop me from doing so.”
Chancing upon a written note that her husband had penned gave her a glimpse into the darkness of his world.
He wrote: “My beloved wife noticed the changes to my sleeping pattern, my feelings of helplessness and hopelessness in my quest for a stable job, and the frequent breakdowns which led to sadness and loss of energy towards life.
“It was tough at the beginning to come to terms with my illness and I could not accept it, and I questioned the reason for such an illness.”
Shih Hui took a year of sabbatical leave to spend time with him. Every few months, her husband would feel discouraged and haunted by the past.
Whenever he allowed the negative thoughts to take over, he would leave short notes asking her to take care of herself or apologising that he had to leave.
Sometimes he left his wedding ring on the table. At other times, he disappeared for a few hours at a time.
“I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even know what to pray for during those frightening moments.
“The only request that I repeatedly asked God was to preserve his life. And God really preserved his life by getting the police to rescue him from remote locations during the times when he tried to end his life.”
Over the next one-and-a half-years, her husband sometimes was in better spirits and appeared motivated to move on from his illness.
He spent time with Shih Hui and their two daughters. He also drove Uber while he sought to land a permanent job.
November 26, 2016 was their eighth-year anniversary. They celebrated it by renewing their marriage vows in the presence of their pastor and cell group members.
“When we became believers, we wanted God to be part of our marriage,” said Shih Hui. “It really gave me hope for the future.”
The very next day, however, her husband took his own life.
After the funeral was over, reality hit Shih Hui hard. “I felt abandoned by the man whom I had married.
“The wedding vow, the promises he had made to me while I’d journeyed with him through the difficult times and the hope of him coming out of his darkness … they all vanished,” she recounted.
For keeps: The couple’s wedding rings.
She took her two young daughters to her sister’s home to be looked after, then shut herself up in her room.
“I started scolding God and asking all the ‘whys’: If You could save his life time after time, why couldn’t You do it again?
“I thought You are a God of restoration and healing. Why didn’t that happen?”
She lay on the floor and cried till she had no more tears nor words. Exhausted, she asked God to speak to her instead.
In the silence, He did.
“Suddenly my perspective shifted.
“My thoughts moved to the fact that, time after time when my husband expressed his desire to take his life, it was God’s mercy and grace that had given us that extra time together,” said Shih Hui, now 42.
“The quantity and quality of the time we spent as a family during the one-and-a-half years since we became believers outweighed all the times we had spent with one another before that.
“I cannot imagine how things would have turned out if God had not come to my help at all.”
Instead of railing at God, she humbly thanked Him for coming into their lives.
As Shih Hui entered the last few weeks of December 2016, a fellow widow shared with her that there would be moments she would feel vulnerable and lonely.
True enough, her first trigger was when she saw a couple holding hands on the MRT train. Her eyes welled up with tears. She missed the hand she had held for so many years.
That day the train was jam-packed and there was no way to even move 1cm.
“I looked around and there wasn’t any pole or handle that I could hold onto,” said Shih Hui. “If my husband had still been around, I would have held onto him or put my arm around his waist.
“As the train moved, I began to lose my footing and said a silent prayer: ‘Jesus, all I need is half a cm so that I can move my feet a little to get my stability back.’ ”
At that precise moment, the man nearest her moved a little and she regained her footing.
“Then I heard a still, small voice assuring me that He is with me and will never leave me. It was the same voice who spoke to me before I accepted Jesus into my heart.
“Through small encounters like these, I began to see how real Jesus is in my life.”
She realised then that time was not the factor that would determine how fast or slow she would get through the grieving process. It was how close she was with Jesus that would heal her from all the anger, guilt and hurt brought on by her husband’s sudden death.
But there were also difficult times when she could have listened to another far more sinister voice.
Once, when in church, she was worn out from walking to and fro with her grouchy toddler who refused to sleep. Then she heard a voice saying: “Go and jump off the building.”
She knew that the voice was not one that she should follow.
Rejecting it in the name of Jesus, she returned to the church sanctuary and, as she opened the door, she saw the verse: “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke … for My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
Her tears flowed as she felt God personally soothing her that day.
In the years to come, God would continue to show Shih Hui that He is with her and would provide all that she needs.
Reserved beansprouts: The mee soto that Shih Hui cooked for her daughters.
Once, she wanted to cook mee soto for dinner and had all the ingredients she needed except beansprouts. She went to two supermarkets only to find that beansprouts were out of stock.
She decided to just go ahead to cook the dish anyway when she felt a spiritual nudge to swing by the first supermarket again. To her surprise, she saw a packet of beansprouts sitting on a shelf that was not meant for beansprouts.
God spoke to her: “This pack has been reserved for you.”
Such incidents happened again and again, and she knew it was no coincidence.
Another time, she needed teriyaki sauce for her daughters’ favourite teriyaki salmon dinner. She saw only one bottle of its kind left on the supermarket shelf and knew it was for her.
The same thing happened when she needed onions for the ABC soup she was cooking for them.
Together time: Shih Hui’s younger daughter enjoys painting.
Sew good: Shih Hui’s younger daughter trying her hand at other crafts.
“These are just a few of the many encounters when I witnessed the love of God pouring down on me,” said Shih Hui, who is a financial advisor.
“I see how He knows my thoughts even before I mention them. These are the surprises that I see God gifting to me.
“The God that my late husband and I were searching for before we became Christians, I found through a relationship with Jesus.”
Noting that there is now a list of hotlines (see below) that those with mental health challenges can seek help from, she suggested one more hotline.
“Try the Jesus hotline that is 24/7, any time and anywhere. There is no phone number to call; just simply say, ‘Jesus, help me’, and pour everything that you have bottled inside of you to Him.
“He loves you and knows best how to guide you.”
If you know of someone who is feeling mentally troubled and would like to chat, talk to your pastor and/or call these centres:
This story first appeared in Salt&Light.
