From angry bully … to doctor who offers hope to the dying

Growing up, I struggled with anger and used to be a bully.

When I was in primary school, I even went to the extent of setting up a club against someone I disliked, and got others to hate on her too.

I experienced low moods because of this emptiness and cried myself to sleep on several nights.

My anger also manifested in physical violence. Once, I punched my sister to the ground, leaving her face swollen.

All that I did and said stemmed from a deep insecurity, low self-esteem bitterness and jealousy. At the end of it though, I was left feeling empty inside.

Through secondary school, I experienced low moods because of this emptiness and cried myself to sleep on several nights.

Trapped in a vortex

I think I was trapped in a vortex of need. On top of all that was going on, my relationships with my mum and my sister were very strained.

One night, after a quarrel with my mum, I left the house and went to stay with my grandparents for a day or two.

I was so upset, and felt very unloved.

It was easy to feel unloved because my parents were both busy with work.

As the oldest of four siblings, I felt I did not meet my parents’ expectations, that I was not good enough.

I had the perception that my parents didn’t love me – even though they did.

In junior college (JC), I tried an alternative way to fill the emptiness and seek acceptance – by busying myself in the Students’ Council.

In JC, I tried an alternative way to fill the emptiness – by busying myself in the Students’ Council.

I made a lot of friends, but I still felt very, very empty. I had a lot of acquaintances but no friendships. And the insecurity was still there.

At the end of two years in JC, I still felt the same old raw emotions.

Looking for answers, I cried out to God: “Lord, You have to help me.”

I already knew that God was the solution because that was what I had been told all my life. But having head knowledge was not heart knowledge. Nevertheless, I started listening to sermons and tried to read the Bible daily.

Experiencing freedom

Then just before ‘A’ Levels, when I was studying alone at home, I read Psalm 100.

The last verse says:

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

When I read that, something hit me. 

I was so convinced that the Lord is good and His love endures forever – not just to me but the generations after me.

I knew the Lord was there, and I felt His spirit touch mine. I was bent over and cried so hard that I had petechiae (when small blood vessels burst) on my face.

I said: “Lord, you love me. You love someone as broken, as empty, as twisted as I am.”

I was bent over and cried so hard that I had petechiae (when small blood vessels burst) on my face.

I also had a very clear mental picture that I knew was from God: Jesus on the cross, looking at me benevolently.

I felt that God was saying even though my sins had pinned Him to the cross, He still loved me.

I was so touched, I couldn’t stop crying for some time.

I told God: “My university life and beyond, I give to You because you love me so much.”

That was the start of my healing. I knew that God had initiated the change in me – it wasn’t from myself.

I knew that I wanted to live my life with purpose – to serve Him and others. 

Why medicine?

After that encounter with God when I was 18 years old, my interest in medical work took on a new meaning. 

I was 12 years old and in Primary 6 when I was inspired by the autobiography of Tami L Fisk, a doctor who was a missionary to China.

When I was growing up, running around my mum’s clinic as a little kid, I saw what she did firsthand. I had taken a keen interest in the whole gamut of patient care – from drugs to injections to blood tests.

I saw much wonder in being able to put on a detective’s hat, to discern patients’ diagnoses and manage them accordingly.

Rachel has been with St Luke’s Hospital for over a year now — her first job after completing her residency (postgraduate) training in family medicine.

That said, medical school was difficult and rigorous. It was also the time when my dad was diagnosed with cancer.

There would be days when I really didn’t feel like going to school. And there were a few times I was crying before my exams because I was so overwhelmed by the work.

But I remember that spending quiet time with God and reading the Bible gave me just enough energy for those days. 

I also saw how God provided Christian friends in medical school who encouraged me and loved me in word and deed.

Conversations on life and death

I see every encounter with my patients as an opportunity to serve and be God’s light.

Last June, I joined St Luke’s Hospital, where I am now working as a senior medical officer covering the palliative ward.

I became increasingly interested in palliative care when my dad fell ill. It is not just a way to honour Dad (he passed away in February), but also to serve a very special group of patients.

Although she has always loved children more, Rachel says that God led her to practise family medicine in a community hospital setting, and she has slowly grown to love the elderly.

When they come in, we often have meaningful conversations about life and death. Topics include: The fear of death. Fear of suffering before death. The meaning of life. And how our lives will be judged at the end.

My experience is that the fear of death is in everybody. But I notice that Christian patients have this quiet peace that seems to steady their hearts as they face the inevitable. They’re looking forward to going to their heavenly Home with the confidence that comes from Jesus dying on the cross for all. 

The reality of mortality

The rhetoric I often hear from patients is: “我老了啦” (I’m so old already). I have lost X and X.”

It could be the loss of a role, physical function, health, weight, joy, or memory, for instance.

Rachel (far right, with her husband) at her grandparents’ home during Chinese New Year, 2022. They are with her uncle and his children.

My service to my patients is to journey with them in a manner that offers them hope, meaning and joy in this life. We preserve their functions and augment whatever reserves that they have. We encourage them to live life to the full, in whatever capacity they have,

But the best gift I can give patients is sharing the hope of eternal life that Jesus gives.

As told to Zanna Ker. This is an excerpt of a story that first appeared in Thir.st.

St Luke’s Hospital started as Singapore’s first hospital to serve the elderly sick. It has since expanded its services beyond the elderly to enrich more lives.  The Institution of a Public Character cares for 2,300 inpatients and 3,500 outpatients each year, regardless of race, language or religion. Click here to donate to their cause.