“I was left with nothing”: How a drug abuser left the lows and highs of a rollercoaster life
By
Gabriel Ong
, 14 October 2021
From owning fast cars to being only left with his mattress, Thomas Koh never imagined he would one day be a father. All photos courtesy of Thomas unless otherwise stated.
TRIGGER WARNING: THIS ARTICLE MENTIONS SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE
Soon after his first taste of alcohol at age 11, Thomas Koh began using drugs – while chasing money and power as antidotes to the pain he had experienced all his life.
But after nearly 30 years of substance abuse, Thomas’ world came crashing down when he lost his business, wife – and nearly his life.
My father was a compulsive gambler. Horse racing, poker, mahjong, casino, soccer betting, 4D, TOTO … you name it, he bet on it.
Compulsive gamblers usually end up losing most of the time because they’re chasing that feeling of “striking”.
And we had a problem because he would return home with huge losses.
We weren’t allowed to study
My father was also abusive towards my mother and would hit us as well.
He would come back home, get my mother to give him more money and go out to gamble again. Or he would come back drunk in the middle of the night, wake everyone up and beat them up.
The physical pain was not as bad as the psychological pain of seeing your own mum being bashed up in front of you.
It was punching, kicking – with blood on the floor.
Thomas’ mother was also featured in a recent video where he shared his story. Screenshot of video from SGWonderwall.
Once, he threw my brother into the Kallang River. Luckily, he didn’t drown.
We had to run barefoot in the middle of the night to seek shelter, while my father chased us with a chopper.
It was traumatic.
Ever since I was four, I remembered this as a weekly affair after he went to the racetrack on Saturday and Sunday.
He was also superstitious — 读书 (dú shū) sounded like “losing” in Hokkien.
So if we studied at home, he felt we were causing him to lose money and we would get beaten.
10 cents would have been nice
When I was 10 years old,my father was put in jail because he took his company’s money for gambling.
My mum was a homemaker who did odd jobs, so there was not much money coming in.
We could not pay our school fees on time. And most of the time, I also had no pocket money.
Having 10 cents would have been nice! Then, at least I could buy one cup of coloured syrup water from the tuckshop.
Today, Thomas helps to care for his father, who has dementia. Thomas has also been able to forgive him. Screenshot of video from SGWonderwall.
“Your school friends can eat curry puffs, can buy chicken wing, can eat mee rebus (noodles in spicy gravy). You cannot,” I thought.
In order to make friends, you need to do these things together.
But when my friends invited me to eat at the canteen, I would have to turn them down.
Instead, I went to the toilet. To fill up my stomach, I had to drink water. I just kept drinking water from the tap in the toilet.
I became an outcast in school.
First taste of power
As I had no money, I thought maybe I should go out and work and fend for myself.
Instead of being a liability to my family, I could be an asset. So why study?
My first job was delivering newspapers to the neighbourhood. The boss gave me $1 for every household I delivered to.
By the end of the month, I got $80.
For the first time, I could pay my school fees, I had pocket money. I gave the rest to my mother.
I started thinking: Instead of being a liability to my family, I could be an asset. So why study?
Dangerous firsts
Kallang Airport was notorious at the time. There were a lot of gangsters and drug addicts. The kids would sniff glue, the adults would shoot up heroin.
I was 11 when I first tasted alcohol. It was at a getai (live stage performance) in my neighbourhood.
I was 15 when I took my first drug.
Screenshot of video from SGWonderwall.
My childhood was about fear, pain and suffering. But when I took these substances, I got a euphoric feeling.
Some of these drugs came from bad influences at school and outside. Nobody forced me. They just showed me.
Everyday kena (get) beaten. Everyday low mood, bad feelings.
Drugs became my “medication” that made me feel good.
Money equals power
I eventually did my N-level exams. And after National Service, I became a salesman making door-to-door sales.
Because I needed money, I forced myself to work harder than my peers.
I became very competitive. If someone bought a car, I would make sure I drove a sports car.
I did very well. But I also became very competitive.
If someone got a credit card, I would make sure I had a better one. If he rode a motorbike, I would make sure I drove a car. If he bought a car, I would make sure I drove a sports car.
I didn’t know it was unhealthy.
I eventually rose to become a sales manager at a listed company.
Even then, it was never enough. I just wanted more and more of everything.
Money, attention, recognition, girls … I just didn’t want to lose.
Screenshot of video from SGWonderwall.
At work, I was getting lots of promotions.
And then, I started my own F&B business, supplying food products to restaurants and setting up cafes and canteens for industrial areas. A lot more money started coming in.
But I didn’t know how to use it. After buying watches, after buying cars – what next?
So I picked up sports, and was active until serious injuries piled up.
To help ease the pain, I remembered something: The pills.
I had been using drugs recreationally, but the injuries became my gateway into full-blown addiction.
A downward spiral
When I was 27 and realised I might have a problem with addiction, I approached my friends and church friends. I had been introduced to Christianity when I was 23.
Their best advice? “Just don’t use. Just distract yourself. Pray harder.”
They were well-meaning, but none of them actually knew how to help me.
Eventually I left church because I didn’t want to be a hypocrite.
Without the drugs, I would always feel like something was missing.
I started to forge prescriptions. I started to buy from the black market even though it was 10 times more expensive.
I started to neglect my business as well.
But it took a lot of cash to maintain my lifestyle like going clubbing, using substances and changing cars.
Because I would often be drunk, I also got involved in a lot of car accidents. I could not claim from my insurance policies, so I would pay cash – $60,000 at a go.
On the brink of death
By the time I was 39 years old, I was in a lot of debt.
Seeing that there were so many problems, my (now ex) wife decided that it would be better to part ways.
I also developed a lot of medical problems: Fatty liver. Hepatitis. Diabetes.
Due to my drinking, my eyes started turning yellow – my liver couldn’t tahan (withstand) the effects of alcohol anymore.
My legs started to swell because of water retention. I had problems holding my bladder. My gallbladder was also removed.
I was on the brink of death.
And that wasn’t even the worst of it all.
All I had left was a mattress
I came home one day and wondered why my lock was in a different position and the door was ajar. Then I saw the court notice.
I didn’t know that banks were so powerful. Creditors can apply for a court order, engage a locksmith, enter your business and residence, and confiscate all your belongings.
The only thing that they left behind was my mattress and personal effects. They even took the bed frame.
I didn’t know what to do. I was in a daze until I came up with a solution in the middle of the night.
I needed to stop the pain because all I had was gone … my business, my marriage …
No matter how much drugs and alcohol I poured inside myself, I still felt the pain.
To stop that, I needed to kill myself. I tried to end my life.
But I couldn’t. I didn’t dare to.
When things started to turn around
The next day, December 1, 2014, I went to see a doctor at IMH’s Block 9.
I was admitted on the same day – which is quite rare.
I had attended this rehab programme three times between the ages of 30 and 39, but this time I believe it was my desperation that made the difference.
In the first week, the detox phase, my body had to be cleared of the drugs. It was a slow process, involving a lot of diarrhoea and headaches.
I met a few ex-addicts who had previously completed the programme. They came back to the ward and shared their stories with us. Most of them were Christian.
How could they be happy?
When they shared their testimonies, I realised: I had been focusing too much on myself.
Because my childhood was bad, because I wanted to prove myself during adulthood, a lot of the things I had done were all about me, me, me.
I was facing bankruptcy, divorce and medical issues, but two people helped me to look at things from a different perspective. One of them was missing a limb, the other was HIV-positive.
I wouldn’t be happy with HIV. I wouldn’t be happy if I had lost a limb. How could they be happy?
Speaking to them, I realised it was because they found recovery.
They found how to deal with their addiction. They found how to help others in the same shoes.
So I told myself: I want to be like them. I wanted to live bravely like them and have a life that is meaningful.
Drinking from the toilet tap
After I was discharged, I went to get more help from social services.
They had given me $300, so I could afford to spend $10 every day.
But one time, I was standing at the bus interchange thinking of my next meal when it struck me that my life was so far from where I wanted it to be.
If I didn’t take care of my life, in 30 years time, I would still be drinking from the toilet tap.
Most people can afford to eat at McDonalds. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.
So I went to the coffee shop and ordered a $2 chicken rice — without a drink because it would have cost another $1.60.
When I finished eating, I was thirsty. So I went to McDonald’s again, but I didn’t order a drink.
I went to the toilet and drank from the tap.
My mind flashed back to drinking from the toilet tap in school when I was nine years old.
After 30 years – at the age of 39 – I was still drinking from a toilet tap.
I realised that if I didn’t take care of my life, in 30 years time, at the age of 69, I would still be drinking from the toilet tap.
It was so shameful. I didn’t want this kind of life.
At that time, during the early stage of my recovery, I still could not hold my bowels and bladder.
I carried tissue and underwear in my bag, instead of a water bottle or normal things.
And I couldn’t take a long MRT ride without stopping somewhere to go to the toilet.
It was so shameful. I didn’t want this kind of life. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Determined to change
Many think that once an addict quits drugs, the person will be fine.
But to really get well, it takes more than just being clean. It needs a change in thoughts, attitudes and behaviour.
I believe God placed the right people in my life at the right time to help me.
Through many believers who were in recovery, I came back to God.
Thomas with his wife and daughter, as well as his brother’s family.
I also had 285 names on my mobile phone at that time. But when I scrolled down looking for somebody I could talk to about how I felt, my cell group leader was the only one.
He didn’t need to talk to me. It was enough just having someone there.
There was not even one person from the other 284 names I could call.
The problem was not them. The problem was with me!
I realised I had to deal with a lot of stuff, and making meaningful relationships was one thing that God clearly wanted me to do.
The God of miracles
From age 39 to 40, I focused on my recovery full-time, while depending on financial assistance.
I also went to an addiction recovery centre called WE CARE, which helped me a lot.
I then went back to my sales job for two years, but did not experience the same job satisfaction as before.
It felt like God was pointing me to help those who are still chained by their addictions.
Not long afterwards, I was offered a job with the same team that helped me get clean. I was 43 when I joined them in 2017.
Now I’m married and have a kid – with another one on the way!
Thomas and his wife.
Every time I see my daughter, I wonder how could a man with as many health problems as me have children. It is a miracle.
I was a man who could not control my bowels and bladder, but God healed me.
God has turned my whole life around.
I don’t have to ask God to come down from Heaven before I say: “Yes, I believe You.” Because I can see what He has done in my life.
This God is Jesus Christ. Through Him, I’m free from every shameful and illegal thing I’ve done. When I face Him, I will not be worried.
A man with a history, a hope for the future
I learned a lot from my mistakes and failures. In fact, I realise failure and mistakes are a better teacher than success.
I hope that through my actions, I can help people experience God’s love.
Thomas celebrating his birthday in 2018 with his extended family.
Even though I’m a man with a history, my family members have seen that I’m a changed person.
Addiction does not discriminate
I hope society at large will come to see addiction as a disease and not as a moral failing.
In my work at the National Addictions Management Service as a peer support specialist, we have seen the uneducated and unemployed, criminals, pilots, doctors, lawyers, bankers come in for help to overcome some form of addiction.
If you are struggling – whether it’s with gaming, pornography, gambling, alcohol or drugs – be courageous.
Talk to somebody you trust, somebody who won’t judge. I think that’s the first step.
Then let God do a miracle for you. He will come through for you, just as He did for me.
This is an excerpt of an article that first appeared in Thir.st.
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