Instead of accepting my twins autism as “my karma”, I learnt what it meant to truly love and be loved
By
Agnes Wong, as told to Wendy Low-Sui
, 15 January 2025
Agnes and Joseph Wong, both now 57, felt helpless and devastated when their twins (Justin, middle, and Jayson, right; now 23) were diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder at the age of three. Their eldest son, Bennett, is four years older than the twins. Photos courtesy of the Wong family.
I had noticed my twin boys weren’t speaking like other kids, but I had no idea what was going on … until I sent them to nursery school.
Parenting a child with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is tough, but we had two … twins.
The principal noticed that our three-year-old twins were restless and could not take instructions. Their speech was also slurred. She approached my husband and me, suggesting that we get them professionally assessed.
We did so, and when the results came back, we were in shock and in denial.
Agnes and Joseph learnt behavioural intervention strategies to help them manage the challenges their twins faced.
Parenting a child with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is tough, but we had two – twins. It was overwhelming.
But then I felt like I had to accept it as part of my karma, something I had somehow earned.
I felt like I had to accept it as part of my karma – something I had earned.
People with ASD might find it hard to communicate and connect with others in social situations, so we learnt behavioural intervention strategies to help us manage the challenges our twins faced. For instance, using visual aids to help us communicate with them.
People with ASD may also have repetitive behaviours or interests, like doing the same things over and over, or they may struggle with changes in their routine. So we also had to structure and plan daily routines to help the boys manage; a lack or change of routine can cause meltdowns.
Terrible teenage years
Things took a turn for the worse when the boys hit their teenage years.
They struggled so much in mainstream secondary school: Both were bullied by schoolmates and could not make any friends.
It broke my heart to see my son so miserable.
Justin, my older twin, in particular, wanted to make friends but kept making enemies because he just didn’t know how to communicate the right way. He ended up getting angry and had meltdowns. Once, he tried to take his life by jumping off the school building. Fortunately, four school teachers and a few students managed to pull him back.
It broke my heart to see him so miserable.
His frustration boiled over, and he became violent at home. I’ll never forget the day the police had to get involved. It was terrifying, but thankfully, the officers managed to calm him down before things escalated.
Joseph and his sons when the twins were 10, and Bennett was 14.
It was at this point that our old friend and confidante, William Tan, realised the severity of our struggles we faced raising our twins.
He invited us to attend a free counselling service offered by his church, Emmanuel Assembly of God.
We were amazed by how William had become a completely new person after he became a Christian. He also seemed happier and had a peace he never had before.
Agnes (left, in a 2002 photo) and William (in red) were so close that they called each other “brother”. “I had a messed up life, smoking, drinking, using soft drugs, and womanising,” William told Stories of Hope.
We were desperate to find a way to rebuild our relationship with our boys, so we went.
Magnet of love
The 10 weeks of counselling helped us see that that we as parents, needed to make the first move to change, instead of expecting our boys to change to meet our expectations.
We learnt to be more flexible and accommodating in the face of our twins’ growing independence and exertion of their own rights. We cannot force them to fit our mould.
Agnes with Justin (left) and Jayson when they were 14 years old.
Besides learning new ways to communicate with our sons, we also experienced something unexpected and amazing.
Our counsellors were just an ordinary couple – volunteers at the church – but their love for us was so powerful, so genuine.
Our counsellors were just an ordinary couple, but their love for us was so powerful, so genuine.
We also felt loved by the entire church community. We were strangers, but they embraced us with open arms. This love was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before.
We later learnt that they were loving us the way that Jesus loves us.
And then there was William – someone we had known as a carefree, party-loving guy. He had completely transformed into this responsible, loving family man. It was clear that something beyond human effort had caused that change.
Something beyond human effort had caused William’s change from party-loving guy to loving family man.
Joseph and I started attending Alpha classes, where we could ask any question about the Christian faith without the pressure to convert.
Bit by bit, I began to sense God’s love for me and my family on a personal level.
In November 2019, at the age of 52, my husband Joseph and I made a life-changing decision and invited Jesus into our lives.
This was just the beginning.
A family won over
Shortly after, Joseph’s mother, followed by my own mum and subsequently my aunt, also invited Christ in to their lives.
My own mother was surprised and won over by the great love Joseph and I developed for our boys after we became Christians.
Celebrating Joseph’s mum’s birthday in 2022.
Joseph and I know that it’s only by God’s grace that we’ve been able to face the challenges of raising children with ASD and still come out stronger.
We also believe it is with God’s help that our twins have overcome so many obstacles to get to where they are.
It’s been nothing short of a miracle to see God work in our lives – and in those we love.
The twins are now 23. We are so thankful to witness their progress.
Jayson, our younger twin, is completing his studies in graphic design.
Justin has graduated from polytechnic with a diploma in fintech and is currently looking for a job. He hopes to further his studies after gaining some work experience. In the last two years, he’s travelled to various countries in South East Asia by plane, train and bus all on his own.
It’s been nothing short of a miracle to see God work in our lives and the lives of those we love.
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